To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!!!!!!!!!

EXCELLENT!!!!

...as a member of the Commonwealth that holds seniority...
I hereby request permission to allow Canada to take a plank to the newest
member's collective arse!

Only as a manner of Welcome of course! :-D

CM



"BigMac" wrote in message
...
To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate
effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally,
you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!!!!!!!!!

In article ,
Capt. Mooron wrote:
EXCELLENT!!!!

..as a member of the Commonwealth that holds seniority...
I hereby request permission to allow Canada to take a plank to the newest
member's collective arse!

Only as a manner of Welcome of course! :-D

Better watch out. According to Bush, you're either with us or against
us.

--
Jonathan Ganz (j gan z @ $ail no w.c=o=m)
http://www.sailnow.com
"If there's no wind, row."

wrote in message
BTW. Bush, in pandering to the nitwits of South Florida, more or less
promised
that we would invade Cuba and take it over within the next four years.

........ can you spell.... "D-R-A-F-T " .... it's comin soon!

Canada is already printing out new customs forms... B.) Reason for Visit? -
1.] - Draft Dodge

CM

"Jonathan Ganz" wrote in message

Better watch out. According to Bush, you're either with us or against
us.

We're neither...... until you start buyin' our cows again you're on your
own!!

CM

In article ,
Capt. Mooron wrote:

"Jonathan Ganz" wrote in message

Better watch out. According to Bush, you're either with us or against
us.

We're neither...... until you start buyin' our cows again you're on your
own!!

Yeah, that's what you think... :-)


--
Jonathan Ganz (j gan z @ $ail no w.c=o=m)
http://www.sailnow.com
"If there's no wind, row."

I like the part about attacking Canada. grin

Another fine idea! It would be nice to buy Cuban cigars locally.

wrote

On 4 Nov 2004 14:50:52 -0800, (Jonathan Ganz)
wrote:

In article ,
Capt. Mooron wrote:
EXCELLENT!!!!

..as a member of the Commonwealth that holds seniority...
I hereby request permission to allow Canada to take a plank to the newest
member's collective arse!

Only as a manner of Welcome of course! :-D

Better watch out. According to Bush, you're either with us or against
us.

BTW. Bush, in pandering to the nitwits of South Florida, more or less
promised
that we would invade Cuba and take it over within the next four years.

BB

You really want Newfoundland????

"Bart Senior" wrote in message
et...
I like the part about attacking Canada. grin

BTW...where have you been????

"Bart Senior" wrote in message
et...
Another fine idea! It would be nice to buy Cuban cigars locally.

wrote

On 4 Nov 2004 14:50:52 -0800, (Jonathan Ganz)
wrote:

In article ,
Capt. Mooron wrote:
EXCELLENT!!!!

..as a member of the Commonwealth that holds seniority...
I hereby request permission to allow Canada to take a plank to the
newest
member's collective arse!

Only as a manner of Welcome of course! :-D

Better watch out. According to Bush, you're either with us or against
us.

BTW. Bush, in pandering to the nitwits of South Florida, more or less
promised
that we would invade Cuba and take it over within the next four years.

BB