Why I Love Jewish Humor

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky
Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, & others?
But don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their
comedy....

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you Comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
Airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making Love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife & I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, Only
this time, I stayed in the bathroom & cried.

My wife & I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the
Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for 2 hours. That was only for the estimate. She
got a mudpack & looked great for 2 days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The Doctor gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so
the doctor gave him another 6 months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I
tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do
I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact That Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
Tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from
medical school.

Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? It's called,
"Debbie Does Dishes."

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone
finish a sentence!

What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? Facing
Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good,"
said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's
terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because;
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in
the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the
Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher
you want a speaking part."

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum
cleaner..

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? None. (Sigh)
"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."

A short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "You've got to force
yourself," she replied.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually,
the Rottweiler lets go.

Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women don't like anything
that isn't 20% off.