Notice to Americans of Revocation of Independence from the Government of Her
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your
failure to elect a sane President of the United States and thus to govern
yourselves with consideration for the rest of world, we hereby give notice
of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately .

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Rt Hon, Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

5. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.

6. Stop referring to the "World Series" of Baseball and instead call it the
"USA, Cuba and Japan Championship."

7. Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train
waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their
names before you eat.

8. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde.

9. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the "bad
guys".

10. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 4th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Revocation Day."

11. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the
change immediately.

12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!