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Republican Convention Schedule 2004
One-day Schedule for The 2004 Republican National Convention
The first day and almost all the issues seem to be covered: The 2004 Republican National Convention (New York City) 10:00 am: Opening Ceremony: Pat Boone accompanies Lee Greenwood singing "I'm Proud to be an American" That's true. They like to separate themselves from the Democrats right off the bat. 10:05 am: Vote on motion to go into Closed Session. (If motion fails, Justice Antonin Scalia will announce that all media must turn off audio and video recording devices.) Since nobody watches these conventions, who would even know if the cameras were turned off? 10:30 am: Katherine Harris speaks on "Are Elections Really Necessary?" Katherine Harris' only sin was that she followed Florida's election laws to the letter. Anybody who does that is naturally hated by the Left. 10:45 am: Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century" Will Colin Powell and Condi Rice join in? 11:00 am: Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan Reagan did free more people than Lincoln, but Lincoln is still the most loved Republican. I don't see a switch happening. 11:10 am: Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Birth Control Should Be Outlawed" You got us there. Republicans like little cute little babies, and don't want them sliced up and thrown away in the trash. 11:30 am: Rush Limbaugh - "Just Say No To Drugs" That's a speech he's giving to the Democrat Convention, where it's needed the most. 11:45 am: Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot" Was a "Communist witchhunt" really such a bad thing, if there were lots of Soviet "witches" in the US Government in the 1940s and 50s, as there were? Especially in the State Department. 12:00 noon: Singing of "God Bless America" and big screen projection of "Blue Angels" fly-over What's wrong with that? 12:04 pm: Lunch Break - steak with vegetable sides of ketchup and relish, yellow cake Yum. 12:30 pm: Oliver North - "Never Trade Arms with Terrorists" What do you have against American hostages? 1:00 pm: Reps. Doolittle and DeLay speak on the GOP congressional agenda. Who should chart the course for Republicans across the bridge to the future? Ted Kennedy? 1:30 pm: Group cheer -- Global-warming-schmobal warming! A waste of effort in any case. Soon, China, Indonesia, and India will have a much greater impact on greenhouse gases than the USA ever did. 1:35 pm: GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell and Condi Rice Henry Kissinger would be quite surprised to learn that Secretary of State is a "token" job. I'd love to have that "token." 2:00 pm: Accounting for Beginners -- "Tax Cuts are Good for Deficit Reduction" You're learning. Deficits are solved by a strong growing economy, not high taxes. High taxes are like a little oar. A strong economy is like a giant spinnaker. Which gets you downwind faster, and smarter? 2:30 pm: Labor Secretary Elaine Chao speaks on "Economic Growth Through Job Exportation" There's at least 2 or 3 times as much insourcing (e.g. Honda, Toyota, Mercedes manufacturing, and all the American branch offices of foreign companies) as there is outsourcing. If you want to make your own athletic shoes, you can I guess. But, if you want to cut the Third World out of any profit from their unskilled labor, so that Americans can keep working in shoe factories, that's just impossible. 3:00 pm: Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage" Gingrich is just a TV commentator now. Maybe they can get Rosie O'Donnell to fill in for him. 3:30 pm: Unveiling of "The Guide to Imperialism" by the Heritage Foundation Heritage loves what America did for West Germany, Japan, the Soviet Union, Afghanistan, and Iraq. That's a stain on America only if you're a freedom-hating Commie, a dictator, or Michael Moore. 4:00 pm: Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore As he should be. 4:15 pm: "Eradicate Poor People" Happy Hour (guided sight-seeing buses leaving for Harlem every 10 minutes) The Democrats already have that franchise locked up. They've controlled our big city slums and ghettoes for decades. Their own Democrat-only voter plantations. Ambitious people need not apply. 6:00 pm: Dinner Break: Texas-Style Endangered Species Barbeque Barbequed Leftists? Yuck! 7:00 pm: John Ashcroft leads ceremonial burning of the Bill of Rights What right have you lost? The right to get killed by al-Qaeda terrorist cells? (Note to convention hall staff - make sure statue of Justice is fully clothed) Ashcroft covered the statue's breasts so that the old press photographers wouldn't hurt their knees down there on the floor trying to get the big-boob-next-to-the-Ashcroft-face money shot as they routinely were doing before. 7:15 pm: George W. Bush video tribute "Higher than a Kite: Portrait of a Fighter Pilot" He even has his own flight suit with over 600 solo-fighter-pilot hours on it. Pretty good for a chimp, huh? 7:30 pm: Vote on motion to put image of Ronald Reagan on one dollar bill You're full of great ideas. Keynote Speech by Dick Cheney (Exact time TBA, depending on his arrival from secret bunker). The patriotic Time Magazine outed his "secret bunker" location. 8:00 pm: "Kiss Ass" session with Christian Coalition I think it's called a "prayer session." Ask a Christian to explain "prayer" sometime. 8:30 pm: Workshop on government-corporate relations by Dick Cheney Dick Cheney is completely divested from all past employers, and as the Vice President, he has no role in writing government contracts. But that's just the truth, so you wouldn't understand it. 8:45 pm: Log Cabin Republicans Encounter Session -- Coming to Terms with Your Self-Hatred Maybe they just like living in a safe prosperous country. Because they're gay doesn't mean they're stupid enough to vote Democrat. 9:00 pm: Assault Rifle Raffle There's no such thing as an "assault rifle" on sale in your local gun shop. They're just semi-auto rifles made to look military. Automatics are already outlawed. It's just a superficial label put on guns that appear military, by people who hate the 2nd Amendment and don't understand the source of American Freedom. |
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