Kinda goofy, but clean ..


Open Letter from Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer serve
the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.


1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds
(or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's
head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

As a South Florida resident, I am deeply disturbed by this post. You, better
than anyone, should know that there are *two* Mason-Dixon lines. The least
known is drawn roughly along the Okeechobee waterway - the combination of a
lake, rivers, and man-made canals opened in 1937 that divide the state and allow
me to tell my friends up north that I live on an island.

This area below the Southern Mason-Dixon line is inhabited by people who were
not born here (excluding the casino proprietors). We have Canadians, New
Yorkers, Chicagoans, New Yorkers, Pittsburghanites, New Yorkers, and one or two
folks who arrived by a homemade vessel from some country to the south - I forget
the name.

Please update your joke to exclude these people.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,
Dan


Eisboch wrote:
Kinda goofy, but clean ..


Open Letter from Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer serve
the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.


1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds
(or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's
head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

"Dan Krueger" wrote in message
ink.net...
As a South Florida resident, I am deeply disturbed by this post. You,
better
than anyone, should know that there are *two* Mason-Dixon lines. The
least
known is drawn roughly along the Okeechobee waterway - the combination of
a
lake, rivers, and man-made canals opened in 1937 that divide the state and
allow
me to tell my friends up north that I live on an island.

This area below the Southern Mason-Dixon line is inhabited by people who
were
not born here (excluding the casino proprietors). We have Canadians, New
Yorkers, Chicagoans, New Yorkers, Pittsburghanites, New Yorkers, and one
or two
folks who arrived by a homemade vessel from some country to the south - I
forget
the name.

Please update your joke to exclude these people.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,
Dan



There's only *two* Mason-Dixon lines? Around here it sorta depends on what
street you drive down.

Your complaint has been forwarded to the appropriate authorities.

Eisboch

I like it! Makes me want to load the hounds in the pickup and go coon
huntin' again. Haven't done that since high school.


On Wed, 8 Dec 2004 17:23:18 -0500, "Eisboch"
wrote:

Kinda goofy, but clean ..


Open Letter from Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer serve
the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.


1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds
(or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's
head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

John H

On the 'PocoLoco' out of Deale, MD,
on the beautiful Chesapeake Bay!

"Divide each difficulty into as many parts as is feasible and necessary to resolve it."
Rene Descartes