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John[_6_]

On Sat, 9 May 2020 18:48:24 -0400, "Mr. Luddite" wrote:

On 5/9/2020 5:42 PM, wrote:
On Sat, 09 May 2020 16:30:34 -0400, wrote:

On Sat, 9 May 2020 12:08:01 -0700 (PDT), Its Me
wrote:

On Saturday, May 9, 2020 at 7:45:24 AM UTC-4, John H wrote:
You can retire to Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found
shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your rear end from the hot water in the
toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you
open your oven door at 500 degrees.

6. The four seasons a tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR-

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $500,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will
take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

6. You can live on the beach for free. All you need is a shopping cart, a
blanket, a wine bottle, and a dog.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where…

1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle
to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes
you multilingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

7. Of course, nobody really plans to retire in NYC, they plan on going to
Florida, but die first.

-OR-

You can retire to New Jersey where...

Nobody retires in New Jersey, except people from New York.

-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean,
Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at
the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the
daycare center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”

-OR-

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon for $2.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist,
proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. It's just as hot as Arizona, only they have humidity.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

6. If you're 65 they consider you a youngster.

7. When you vote for a president you generally are not around for the second
term
--

Freedom Isn't Free!

Based on that the deep south is the winner!

Don't tell them that. Tell them the truth.

We have horrible weather with the occasional disastrous weather. The
four seasons are, hot as hell season, hurricane season, tourist season
and brush fire season.

The place is infested with man eating alligators, sharks, poisonous
snakes and some big snakes that just squeeze the life out of you.

Mosquitos and no see'ums suck the blood out of you every night

The roads are death traps, people drive too fast, change lanes like it
was NASCAR and never use a blinker.

The cockroaches are as big as your thumb.

Save yourself, Stay away!

===

Arrgh indeed, but you forgot about the rampant wild hawgs, deadly red
tide, toxic blue-green algae, half naked beer-crazed spring breakers,
aging bikers, liberal gun laws, promiscous seniors and the fearsome
snow birds. It's a dangerous place.

Funny advice from a couple of northern transplants. :-)

Well, what they say about the roaches is true, but down there they call them
'palmetto bugs'. That sounds much less offensive.
--

Freedom Isn't Free!

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