Palin Decides Not to Run: ‘I Want to Go Straight to the Quitting Part’
Decision Leaves Moron Vote Up for Grabs

ANCHORAGE (The Borowitz Report) – Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin
told reporters today that she would not run for President because “I
want to go straight to the quitting part.”

“If I launched a campaign, let’s face it, a couple of months from now
I’d up and quit,” she said. “This is a real step-saver for all concerned.”

She said that prior to her decision she had seriously considered
running, “but only for the free clothes.”

When asked about her future plans, she said, “Although I’m not running
for President, I have no intention of spending more time with my family.”

The former Alaska Governor, who had originally scheduled a thirty-minute
press conference to announce her decision, abruptly cut it short after
fifteen minutes with no explanation.

The Tea Party favorite’s announcement leaves the remaining Republican
candidates scrambling for the moron vote, a key constituency in the 2012
GOP race.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was said to be considering new
strategies to dispel the nagging impression that he is mentally
competent, an attribute that has alienated millions of Tea Party voters.

Mr. Romney was rumored to be weighing a number of options, such as
barking like a dog or wearing a bunch of bananas on his head at the next
televised debate.

Meanwhile, still reeling from charges of racism, Texas Governor Rick
Perry was reportedly huddling with advisors at his country home, Jewtrap.
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I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.