Johnstown, PA: Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural
Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists
going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large
motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing,
were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food
restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the
protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups,
"growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older
women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual
motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton
use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the
organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing
leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we
disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's
era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled
with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to
passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked
like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a
tree so they could pee on me all day!"

"I.. I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket.
And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said
was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on
the back of his motorcycle all day, and not left me off, because his girl
friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under
duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers
"farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the
ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle
club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous, " said on high ranking member of the biker organizing
committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very
rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the
entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could
be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of
motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness.
Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such
nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel
welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat,
using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food
restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined
to comment in detail.

"That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.