Let's see if I have this: On the sailboat, she screws something up,
you fix it and get ****ed off at her, she gets ****ed off at you and
then sulks/ or fumes or does something else she knows will **** you
off--and perhaps that you will also have to fix first.
She doesn't do it in the car, or apparently in many other places.
(Just a thought, but how much did you pay for that boat, anyway?
Enough to have put in a pool/redone the kitchen/gotten a Winnebago/
done something else she would have wanted instead?)
I wonder if she goes on your boat trips to enjoy the boat, or to
engage with you in the script the two of you seem to follow. She
jibes, you get mad and straighten out the boat. She slows the boat to
a crawl, you are expected to start the motor to get the speed back up
(that's so you'll notice how much she's slowed the boat. And maybe get
mad). She tells the kids to get out of the c'way, you get mad and
straighten things out and send one down to make your sandwich. It
sounds pretty predictable. And it takes two.
An attention deficit problem isn't necessary to explain her behavior,
when you consider that she can't do it without a partner to play
along. ADD would be evident in many other ways. You'd both know it by
now. Not many MH people can diagnose it accurately, anyway.
Instead the two of you make a very good team. It's just too bad the
result for both of you, at least in these instances, is pain.
Can you deviate from the script? Let her fix her screw-ups herself
(ok, not the accidental jibes, but some of the others)? If she really
wants to learn to sail, the others are right, send her to a school. If
she just wants to engage you in the ritual, you need to change what
you do, not what she does.
JV

On Feb 10, 7:27*pm, wrote:

Yes, I am responsible for what happens on my boat and part of that
responsibility is keeping the inept from hurting others.

Hey,

So PLEASE help me out here. Why do guys feel compelled to share and
include otheres in their enjoyment. SInce when did you become the
center of the univers where you belive everyone want to do what you
what to do?

Go sailing by yourself. If some one BEGS to go say okay. When they get
on the boat say, ":sit over there and dont stand up."

Or am imissing something here???

Bob

Bob wrote:
On Feb 10, 7:27 pm, wrote:

Yes, I am responsible for what happens on my boat and part of that
responsibility is keeping the inept from hurting others.

Hey,

So PLEASE help me out here. Why do guys feel compelled to share and
include otheres in their enjoyment. SInce when did you become the
center of the univers where you belive everyone want to do what you
what to do?

Go sailing by yourself. If some one BEGS to go say okay. When they get
on the boat say, ":sit over there and dont stand up."

Or am imissing something here???

Bob

Oh, so now you want us to grow up!

Is Bob short for Roberta?

Seriously, good point. My downfall is that I miss sharing my joy with
my Wife.

Bob wrote:
On Feb 10, 7:27 pm, wrote:

Yes, I am responsible for what happens on my boat and part of that
responsibility is keeping the inept from hurting others.

Hey,

So PLEASE help me out here. Why do guys feel compelled to share and
include otheres in their enjoyment. SInce when did you become the
center of the univers where you belive everyone want to do what you
what to do?

Go sailing by yourself. If some one BEGS to go say okay. When they get
on the boat say, ":sit over there and dont stand up."

Or am imissing something here???

Bob

Oh, so now you want us to grow up!

Is Bob short for Roberta?

Seriously, good point.

If you are missing something it is that OHare's situation seems to be a
little different, she wants to come and take part but mucks it up.

I have some of that. The reason I got the boat is because she refused
to go on vacation. So "If you don't go you don't get to vote on what I
do when you are not there." Now I got the boat and she wants to come
for two weeks but avoid the boat. Which means I have to be at some
place at a time specific to meet her.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

I would love to have her come along and join in. If not stay home and
let me enjoy.

Hopefully this year will be better. No long transits, I will have a
home port

On Feb 12, 4:58*am, hpeer wrote:


Is Bob short for Roberta?

Not yet ....

she wants to come and take part but mucks it up.

Tell her NO. Tell her GO LEARN HOW TO SAIL THEN MAYBE.

The reason I got the boat is because she refused
to go on vacation.

That is simple. GO on vacation by yoursef. Take a kid fo a special Dad-
Daughte Day.... week. besides, kids like to have alone time wih their
Dad.

*Now I got the boat and she wants to come
for two weeks.

Please say no... Some things are left done seperat. Did you go see teh
movie Ya Ya SIisterhood with your wife too?
Okay, try this. Tell her shes using the wrong kind of tampon, go to
the store and get a diffrent brand/type. Next time shes on the rag
shove one up there and say... see aint that better hunny. Daddy knows
best .She might get the idea there are some areas of activity that
should be left seperate.


I would love to have her come along and join in. *If not stay home and
let me enjoy.


Why??? She is who she is???? Lokk, ya want cute athletic smart,
funny, warm, enjoyale, someone who works well in a team, and knows
boats.......Get an 22 yo college hottie from the sailing team.for
crew. Tell your eife shes dangerous and will injur your children.
thats why you got this hot babe. then when the kids start comming home
sayiing how much fun ther new gsailing girl is......... well ......

Hopefully this year will be better.

More of the same will get you more of the same. Stop ruining everyones
life. Go sailing without yor wife. Just say no!

Bob, single and LOVING it!

Bob, single and LOVING it!

No doubt the women avoiding you has more to do with it that your own
chosing.

Don't try and teach her yourself. You're too involved emotionally.

Well, several issues here, not just emotional involvement. It's been
well demonstrated in *many* fields that rather few husbands can make a
success of teaching his wife a complex task.


"Bill Kearney" wrote:
Words like "control freak" and "divorce" seem applicable here.


Maybe. No point in being judgemental.... though I take your point to
be that the OP should back off.


Just how much good is it going to do for your relationship with your wife to
get so utterly freaked out about it? If she's not grasping it, well, what's
that saying? Is it saying she's dumb as a stone? I'm not guessing
discussing it that way is going to lead in productive directions. Or is it
that she just hates your attitude and is deliberately doing a bad job of it?
My guess is somewhere in between the two.


Actually, the latter is very common for both husbands & wives. The
spouse really really wants to do something, and one or the other
insists it be a "couples" activity, and the one who did not bring them
into the situation sabotages it... often subconsciously. Happens in
everything from shopping for houses to raising kids, and of course
sailing/cruising.


But hey, you picked her, so you're going to have to take a new tack at
dealing with her sailing skills... or suffer the consequences.

groan

wrote:
She has numerous good qualities but unfortunately sailing ability isnt
one of em.

Well, my advice is focus on the positive.

Oddly, she isnt a bad driver in a car but the two do not seem to cross
over for her.

Why would it? Driving a car is *nothing* like sailing. In fact, making
the connection rather raises my suspicion of your own sailing skills.


.... She is the control freak in our relationship so
she insists on being able to steer in spite of not being able to do it
at all.

Here's the problem- she thinks she's doing fine. The first and
foremost task for *any* teacher is to convince the student that he has
something to learn. Until you get over this bump, the rest will
assuredly not follow. The problem here is to convince her that she is
not a good helmsperson without seeming like a tyrannical jerk.

This has been easy for me, since most of my teaching of sailing was
done either in conjunction or in close proximity to one-design racing.
When another boat is passing you, it is absolutely, unarguably, &
quantifiably being steered better..


Later, after the jibe, she insisted on staying at the helm and she
wanted to get back before dark and wanted me to start the engine
because we were doing only 3.5 kts by the GPS. I replied that I had
been doing 5.5 a few minutes before and the problem would be apparent
if she looked at our wake. The wake was an incredible zigzag so the
boat could build no momentum and even the engine wouldnt help if she
was steered so erratically.

Just get the kids to yell "Snake Wake! Snake Wake" when they see her
zig-zagging.

Actually the best technique I know of to teach a person to steer by
reflex is to give them quick & certain feedback. With a tiller boat,
you can tap their hand on the back, towards the side they need to move
the tiller. With a wheel, tap one of the spokes toward where they
should turn. Or some similar system of quick & clear feedback, such
that the student can keep looking at where the boat is going and not
at the instructor or at the helm itself.

Another option is to turn her loose on a Laser some afternoon when the
wind is not too light or too strong. She'll learn... it will be the
only way to make it back to the beach and/or dock! Motivation is key!

Fresh Breezes- Doug King

wrote in message
...
Don't try and teach her yourself. You're too involved emotionally.

Well, several issues here, not just emotional involvement. It's been
well demonstrated in *many* fields that rather few husbands can make a
success of teaching his wife a complex task.


It is a complex task, but in my view it's a complex task based on the
emotional content of the relationship. A spouse tends to think that the
other person can read his/her thoughts or something along those lines.

--
"j" ganz @@
www.sailnow.com

Another option is to turn her loose on a Laser some afternoon when the
wind is not too light or too strong. She'll learn... it will be the
only way to make it back to the beach and/or dock! Motivation is key!

Fresh Breezes- Doug King

Good post Doug !!!!! Has lots of merit.

My wife rapidly learned when I encouraged she go out on a small one
design all by herself (my complicated racing scow with 33 control
lines !!!!) ... and when the 'questions' from her started in earnest I
knew that she was 'sold' on sailing.
She now can helm our boats in any big-boat race and with precision
that would match the best of well experienced helmsmen.
We leave on a 2-3 year 'journey' on our boat this fall .... primarily
her idea !!!!!

Just remember if YOUR sailing skills arent (honestly) that good there
will be many unnecessary 'conflicts' --- get her into lessons or get
her off by herself in a small sailing dinghy ..... if you want a
'partner'. Motivate, communicate, appreciate ...... otherwise you
simply wont have a boat very long ... or wont have that wife very
long.
;-)

On Feb 12, 6:00 pm, Gogarty wrote:
Back when we were growing up in Marblehead, Mass., and sailing at young
ages, we thought the worst thing that could happen to a man would be to
marry a woman who did not like sailing. Theh we discovered sex. But now
after many years we have all gone back to the original opinion.

A little background:

Married 28 yrs, 3 kids, 21, 17 and 11. Been sailing for 20 yrs. She
is the touchy-feely type with degrees in education and counseling and
I am the analytic type MS Physics and MSEE so you can imagine how well
this works. She likes to sail for the aesthetics whereas I like to
sail for the problem solving aspects. She clearly cannot concentrate
on steering and will never understand how the sails work. She claims
that having something on shore to use as a mark helps her but I have
not noticed this and often we are simply too far out so it is either
steer by the compass or by feel of the tiller or watch the sails and
she can do none of these because she is tuned in to watching the
people aboard as you would expect. Unfortunately, she wants to steer
and always wants me to explain how to do things I have taught her
dozens of times in the past (knots, using the VHF, using the compass,
etc.). I lost patience with teaching her a long time ago.
My 21 yr old daughter is a biology major so is technical enough to
understand things and even my 11 yr old daughter grasps things so fast
it amazes me. Saturday she casually remarked we would need a course of
310 (our reciprocal) to get back to our channel.. I can count on them
when I need them whereas I cannot count on my wife to do what needs to
be done in a hurry. If I tell my 11 yr old daughter to hold the boat
into the wind while I drop the main she does it whereas my wife is
unable to do so. I don't know why.
Weirdly, my son is just like my wife and is incapable of doing even
the most basic things (would impale himself on a screwdriver) although
he is always Mr Popularity and he is an alien to me.
I do most of my sailing alone but I see other families sailing and
really want this to work for us. Unfortunately, I cannot count on my
wife and am actually much safer sailing alone or with the kids and
myself. Sailing with her is like sailing single handed but with one
arm tied behind me. I have tried getting her to sail small boats by
herself but she doesn't like them (surely a sign of something).
So, how do other sailors deal with sailing with an inept spouse when
it is clear that NOTHING will help the situation? Is this simply a
case of "Some people don't belong on boats"?