Effeminate Man Asked to Leave 11 A.M. Service

Freehold, Iowa - Church members were disturbed by the presence of an
effeminate man during Sunday's 11 A.M. service. "His high pitched singing
and lengthy, peculiar handshakes during greeting time left us True
Christians™, and our Lord feeling a bit uneasy," said Pastor Deacon Fred.

Pastor interrupted the service in the middle of his sermon and had the man
forcibly removed. When things were settled, the congregation learned that
the gentleman was holding eye-contact and pursing his lips at Associate
Pastor Ben Hurney for nearly 15 minutes. Pastor Ben mentioned this to Pastor
Deacon Fred who began observing the man during the first part of his sermon.

"This was a judgment call that just had to be made," Pastor told the
congregation. "I don't know how the 'riff-raff' gets in here, but somehow
they do, and it's our duty to remove these abominations from the sight of
God." Pastor Ben noted later that ushers should have known there was going
to be trouble after the man insisted on giving Brother Harry Hardwick a hug.

After the service, in Fellowship hall, church authorities learned that one
parishioner was 'sickened unto the point of nausea' after shaking hands with
the man. He had to run off and find a quiet place to vomit.

The effeminate man was escorted out of church, and led to his car by Baptist
security officers wearing rubber gloves. But matters were further
complicated when the gay boy started flailing his wrists and yapping at
church Deacons in early Ebonics. Deacons were forced to stuff the lisping
Nancy-boy into the trunk of one of Landover Baptist's police cars. "He was
asked to leave and never come back," said Pastor.

The effeminate man offered no explanation of his behavior, other than to
spit in Deacon Farnsworth's eye and mutter some explicative about film
research. "That got Deacon Farnsworth rightly upset," recalled Pastor
Wilkins. "He told me that he was sure the little gay boy was one of them
Hollywood adult movie directors looking to steal one of our Baptist girls,
or turn a choir boy, so Brother Farnsworth kicked him in the head."

Church members were questioned about the man and not one person knew where
he came from. "He looked like he was here to cause trouble," one member
remarked, "I got on my CB and radioed his license plate and description,
just hoping that folks up the road can spot him ahead of time and catch him
before he ends up defiling one of their pews, and possibly some of their
children."

Deacons unloaded a round of buckshot into the effeminate man's behind after
dropping him off on a stretch of highway 10-miles east of Des Moines. "You'd
better remember this, next time you come snoopin' around God's house,
looking for ideas to put in your sick films!" Brother Farnsworth yelled out
the police car window as they sped off in a spray of dirt.