Al-Qaeda Backs Democratic Candidate John Kerry;
Plans Big Voter Turnout Effort
5/10/2004 - William Grim

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Undisclosed Location, Afghanistan)-- Leaders of Al-Qaeda
announced today that they are officially backing Massachusetts
Senator John F. "Frenchy" Kerry in the 2004 United States
presidential campaign.

"We examined very carefully the policies of the candidates of
the two major political parties," said Sheik Ali bin Mooqi,
chairman of Al-Qaeda's Committee for Jihad and Political
Outreach, "And we determined that Senator Kerry's policies
are good for Al-Qaeda. We are especially impressed with
Senator Kerry's desire to let the United Nations take over
the War Against Terror. Diplomatic dialogue is the terrorist's
best friend, and we are encouraged by Senator Kerry's
embrace of appeasement."

Officials for Al-Qaeda say that they will spend a large amount
of money on voter education programs, including the torture,
kidnapping and execution of anyone opposed to Senator
Kerry's election. "We've also earmarked funds for
ballot-stuffing," said Mr. Mooqi. "As you can well imagine,
Florida is a high priority."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Kerry
campaign told this reporter that Senator Kerry welcomes the
support of Al-Qaeda and wants to make his campaign a "big-tent
campaign even if some of his supporters want to burn down the
tent. The Senator believes that cultural diversity is much more
important than national security."