"katysails" wrote in message

Walk a mile in that lady's son's shoes, or mine, before you pass judgment

Been there, done that, still doing that....and we were the ones that had
to
press the decision, just like your family did, to choose the nursing home
over the possibility;ity of her burning herself and others to death (she
would walk away from the stove and forget it was on...her daughter's
solution was to unplug the stove so then she blew up 3 microwaves in a
month...) Guilt...over doing what is right and best, and BTW, what's
right
and best is oftentimes not what the person has desired at all, is wasted
effort and self-flagellation. Rather feel that even though his spirits
were
down, he was in a safe, controlled environment. Mr. Sails mom ended up
suffering terribly because of his sister's stubbornness. She broke her
leg
to such a degree that she can never walk again and has been wheelchair
bound...she had to have three surgeries to put it back together again...we
had pressed for a safer environment than the independent living place she
was in for a year, to no avail....when you are close to a situation, it is
hard to stay objective...Clancy's sister is still in denial and won't
accept
that her mother has Alzheimer's...has tried to have them decrease her
Nemenda (which at least keeps her stable). Yes, we have walked that mile,
and several more, so I know whereof I speak.

Not even close. You are the antagonists, not the bearer of the lonely
burden of championing the elder individual's wants and desires for the
remainder of her life. You feel no guilt because you stand apart from the
woman's champion ( the "stubborn" sister) and cast aspersions, rather than
make decisions which may or may not be popular with the remainder of the
family. And you've only had to support your husband's beliefs on this
matter. It's radically different when it's your own father or mother.

My father didn't blow up microwaves, nor was he even a threat to his own
life. He was simply not the astute and brilliant man he had been during his
entire life, prior to his illness. And my family and his local friends
simply couldn't deal with that. Essentially they wanted him out of the way,
if for no other reason than to remove a subtle reminder of their own
imminent mortality and morbidity. When he was in the facility (5 years),
less than 10% of his many friends, and none of his extended family (the
antagonists) made even one visit to this man who spent his life loving and
helping them. If there are assholes here, it was those who wanted him
locked away, out of sight, so their fragile existences wouldn't be tarnished
by the sight of a once-vital man decaying in front of their eyes.

You still have a long way to go to walk in my shoes, or those of the woman's
son. But your tendency to judge him an asshole doesn't surprise me. I'm
sure most of the antagonists in my father's case referred to me in similar
terms.

Max