"katysails" wrote in message

Her son is an asshole.

This is most unfair. You've obviously never faced caring for an ailing
parent alone, while trying to maintain a family and a career simultaneously.

I championed my father's desire to keep him out of a facility as long as I
could. Sadly the local busy bodies conspired with some other family
members, ultimately threatening me with criminal negligence charges. I had
no choice but to have Dad put in a home. He was heartbroken, and never
completely recovered from his "incarceration," as he called it. And my
guilt could have filled the Grand Canyon.

Walk a mile in that lady's son's shoes, or mine, before you pass judgment.

Max

This is most unfair. You've obviously never faced caring for an ailing
parent alone, while trying to maintain a family and a career simultaneously.

Yeah...well you don't know anything about the last three years then....
--
katysails
s/v Chanteuse
Kirie Elite 32
http://katysails.tripod.com

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein



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"katysails" wrote in message

This is most unfair. You've obviously never faced caring for an ailing
parent alone, while trying to maintain a family and a career
simultaneously.

Yeah...well you don't know anything about the last three years then....

So explain. Here's your opportunity. But to simply brand a man an
"asshole" because he is struggling to deal with an aging parent while
maintaining a life of his own would indicate a complete lack of
understanding on your part. This is something almost every one of us will
ultimately deal with. Some of us will be lucky enough to have other family
members to share the burden. But some will have to deal with it alone, and
hope and pray their decisions are the right ones. And they will bear the
burden of guilt alone as well.

I could have dumped my father into a nursing home at the first sign of
trouble and, believe it or not, everyone would have been hunky dory with
that. But I couldn't do that to Dad. So I was the whipping boy for all the
local busy bodies and my relatives living too far away to be anything but an
irritation to the process.

To say "Yeah . . well you don't know anything about the last three years
then . . ." is unsatisfactory. Unless you've walked in my shoes, or those
of the woman's son, you have no right to judge.

Max

I could have dumped my father into a nursing home at the first sign of
trouble

And that attitude is the problem....true..some people "dump" their relatives
in nursing homes to get rid of the problem. That makes them assholes just
like the guy who was unaware of what was going on because he was too
involved with everything else. We see Mom every day. We make sure the
nursing staff knows we are totally supportive and totally pro-active. They
are the experts. We are the family. They serve us and Mom and we make sure
that our expectations for her care are met. It isn't easy. But that's the
way it is. We sat in courtrooms for an entire winter fighting a stupid
family member making sure that Mom's environment would forevermore be safe.
I see what other family's do. I'm part of the interior process. People
need to wake up and realize that with an aging population that gets older
and older, our generation is going to have to bear the brunt of eldercare
for our parents. Used to be people just died off at a certain age...people
don't die as quickly now and they have to be taken care of.

Unless you've walked in my shoes, or those
of the woman's son, you have no right to judge.

Max

And like I said...I have...and have the blisters and corns to prove it.
--
katysails
s/v Chanteuse
Kirie Elite 32
http://katysails.tripod.com

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein



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"katysails" wrote in message

People
need to wake up and realize that with an aging population that gets older
and older, our generation is going to have to bear the brunt of eldercare
for our parents.

Even more to the point, our kids need to realize that about us, their
parents.

Max

good point - reminds me of that biblical story of the man euthanizing his
old father, and his son telling him to save the basket for later.
Scout

"Maxprop" wrote
Even more to the point, our kids need to realize that about us, their
parents.

Even more to the point, our kids need to realize that about us, their
parents.

Because of Grandma, my kids are aware and make it a point to go to the
nursing home, even though she doesn't remember them...and my grandkids go
too....there is no shielding from reality....we have residents whose
families actually do not bring children because they can't bear them to see
what has become of their grandparent...so the image of the sweet, kindly
person they once knew stays in their mind instead of facing the realities of
life...is on par with people who don't allow children to go to funerals
because they shouldn't see grief and suffering....
--
katysails
s/v Chanteuse
Kirie Elite 32
http://katysails.tripod.com

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein



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My niece is over to the house almost everyday. She has seen her grandparents
slip down that slope but is involved in everything they do. She is the light
of their lives and we have discussed this aging topic with her. She'll help
her grandfather and grandmother with chores and forces them to take walks
with her. She helps me with killing the meat birds but is very careful and
attentive to the livestock. She knows her responsibilities and has a firm
grasp on the realities of life.

These are the benefits of having your family together..... she's only 6
years old. She's way ahead of her peers in comprehension of the world and
will develop into a fine young lady.

I pity the false protection offered by the well intentioned but mistaken
majority.

CM


"katysails" wrote in message
...
|
| Even more to the point, our kids need to realize that about us, their
| parents.
|
| Because of Grandma, my kids are aware and make it a point to go to the
| nursing home, even though she doesn't remember them...and my grandkids go
| too....there is no shielding from reality....we have residents whose
| families actually do not bring children because they can't bear them to
see
| what has become of their grandparent...so the image of the sweet, kindly
| person they once knew stays in their mind instead of facing the realities
of
| life...is on par with people who don't allow children to go to funerals
| because they shouldn't see grief and suffering....

Walk a mile in that lady's son's shoes, or mine, before you pass judgment

Been there, done that, still doing that....and we were the ones that had to
press the decision, just like your family did, to choose the nursing home
over the possibility;ity of her burning herself and others to death (she
would walk away from the stove and forget it was on...her daughter's
solution was to unplug the stove so then she blew up 3 microwaves in a
month...) Guilt...over doing what is right and best, and BTW, what's right
and best is oftentimes not what the person has desired at all, is wasted
effort and self-flagellation. Rather feel that even though his spirits were
down, he was in a safe, controlled environment. Mr. Sails mom ended up
suffering terribly because of his sister's stubbornness. She broke her leg
to such a degree that she can never walk again and has been wheelchair
bound...she had to have three surgeries to put it back together again...we
had pressed for a safer environment than the independent living place she
was in for a year, to no avail....when you are close to a situation, it is
hard to stay objective...Clancy's sister is still in denial and won't accept
that her mother has Alzheimer's...has tried to have them decrease her
Nemenda (which at least keeps her stable). Yes, we have walked that mile,
and several more, so I know whereof I speak.

--
katysails
s/v Chanteuse
Kirie Elite 32
http://katysails.tripod.com

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein



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"katysails" wrote in message

Walk a mile in that lady's son's shoes, or mine, before you pass judgment

Been there, done that, still doing that....and we were the ones that had
to
press the decision, just like your family did, to choose the nursing home
over the possibility;ity of her burning herself and others to death (she
would walk away from the stove and forget it was on...her daughter's
solution was to unplug the stove so then she blew up 3 microwaves in a
month...) Guilt...over doing what is right and best, and BTW, what's
right
and best is oftentimes not what the person has desired at all, is wasted
effort and self-flagellation. Rather feel that even though his spirits
were
down, he was in a safe, controlled environment. Mr. Sails mom ended up
suffering terribly because of his sister's stubbornness. She broke her
leg
to such a degree that she can never walk again and has been wheelchair
bound...she had to have three surgeries to put it back together again...we
had pressed for a safer environment than the independent living place she
was in for a year, to no avail....when you are close to a situation, it is
hard to stay objective...Clancy's sister is still in denial and won't
accept
that her mother has Alzheimer's...has tried to have them decrease her
Nemenda (which at least keeps her stable). Yes, we have walked that mile,
and several more, so I know whereof I speak.

--
katysails
s/v Chanteuse
Kirie Elite 32
http://katysails.tripod.com

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein



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