I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy
said, 'There goes the neighborhood!' "

* * * * *


a.. "When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."


a.. "When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out,
my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."


a.. "Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to
me: 'Basement?' "


a.. "When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...
and no one showed up."


a.. "I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over,
there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."


a.. "When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog,
so they got rid of me."


a.. "When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything
under both names -- hers and her mother's."


a.. "With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock
on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."


a.. "With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my
hand. She lit it."

On Wed, 6 Oct 2004 10:11:47 -0400, "Gary Warner"
wrote:

Amen....

Later,

Tom

All I had to do was look at Rodney Dangerfield and he made me laugh. My son and
I had the pleasure of meeting and talking with him at the Bahia Mar (Ft
Lauderdale) swimming pool. I kept my boat there so got to know a lot what went
on behind the scenes. Rodney always stayed at the Bahia Mar Hotel whenever he
was in Ft Laudedrdale. One of the funnier stories I heard about Rodney was that
he fell down a flight of stairs in the hotel and was suing. Another story was
how he insisted on having a full size refrigerator delivered to his room,
because he preferred shopping at the Publix and eating "in" rather than going
out. The hotel personel told me he was a "big pain in the ass," but he always
got what he wanted! The one thing I never found out was if he kept a boat at
Bahia Mar.

"Listen to the live broadcast of 'Nautical Talk Radio' with Captain Lou every
Sunday afternoon from 4 - 5 (Eastern Standard Time) on the web at
www.959watd.com or if you are in Boston or Cape Cod set your radio dial to
95.9FM.

Uh oh. My son's gonna be crushed. :-( Oh well. Here's mo

"My wife thinks sex should always have a purpose. Yesterday, she used me to
time an egg!"

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to
go to the bathroom!"

"Yesterday, my tie caught fire and some guy tried to put it out with an
axe!"

"I went to a freak show once, and they let me in for free!"

"I went to a massage parlor once. They took one look at me and told me it
was self-service!"

"Whenever my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me."

"I came home early from work one day. I saw a guy jogging naked down my
street. I asked him, 'How come you're jogging naked?' He said, 'Because
you came home early!'"

"I could tell my parents hated me. The first bath toy they gave me was a
toaster!"

"My mother never breast fed me. She said she only liked me as a
friend.""It's tough staying married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
but she won't drink out of my glass!"