I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy
said, 'There goes the neighborhood!' "

* * * * *


a.. "When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."


a.. "When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out,
my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."


a.. "Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to
me: 'Basement?' "


a.. "When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...
and no one showed up."


a.. "I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over,
there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."


a.. "When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog,
so they got rid of me."


a.. "When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything
under both names -- hers and her mother's."


a.. "With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock
on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."


a.. "With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my
hand. She lit it."