Somali Pirates Refuse to Board Carnival Cruise Ships
Cite ‘Unsafe Working Conditions’

MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report) – In yet another public relations
setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today
said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing “unsafe
working conditions.”

“If Carnival thinks that it’s going to be business as usual between them
and the Somali pirates, they need to have their heads examined,” said
Somali pirate spokesman Sugule. “We Somali pirates may be bold, but
we’re not crazy.”

The pirate said that the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise ship
Carnival Splendor “has sent a shiver through the pirate community.”

“We Somali pirates face enough risks without dealing with decks bursting
into flames,” he said. “And don’t get me started on the nonfunctioning
toilets.”

When asked if the Somali pirates might attempt to board Carnival ships
in the future, he responded, “I am telling me hearties that if they were
thinking of pillaging a Carnival ship of its booty over the holidays,
they should make alternative plans.”

Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, said that the company
“would be working overtime to win back the pirates’ trust.”

In the meantime, Ms. Foyler said, Carnival would be unveiling a new
slogan in the weeks to come: “Come for the fun, stay for the raging
inferno.”