Couples save first kiss for wedding day

By Claudia Pinto
THE TENNESSEAN

December 13th was Katy Kruger's wedding day. It was also the day she had
her first kiss.

The 22-year-old woman, who was married at Harpeth Hills Church of Christ
in Brentwood, admits to being nervous and a bit self-conscious about
having her first kiss in front of 200 people.

"I wasn't sure what to do," said Kruger, who is model-beautiful. "I
thought I would mess up."

But after that initial smooch — which was met with spirited applause and
cheers — Kruger quickly recovered. "It was so natural that I went back
for another," she said.

In a culture where casual sex is the norm, some Tennesseans have taken
the purity pledge to a whole new level, through a practice that some
teens refer to as the "Virgin Lips Movement."

Religious leaders say these examples of super-abstinence deserve
admiration, not derision. Especially in a time when the only social
taboo seems to be violating the "third-date rule." (For those unfamiliar
with it, that means waiting until the third date to have sex).

"Even among Christians this is rare. All of those success stories need
to be known," said Alec Cort, Tulip Grove Baptist Church's minister to
students. "They should be shouted from the mountaintops. It's an
extremely difficult thing to do, and it should be celebrated."

While stories about Bristol Palin getting pregnant or a young woman
calling herself "Natalie Dylan" trying to auction off her virginity on
the Internet are almost impossible to miss, the tales of people like
Kruger and Larry Harold largely go unheard.

Harold, 35, of Spring Hill, decided to save his first kiss for his
wedding day when he was just in the eighth grade, after a youth pastor
mentioned the idea. He hopes his story will inspire other young people
who want to do the same.

"It can happen," he said.

And Harold and Kruger both say they're glad it did.

"It was so important to me because I felt a kiss was something very
intimate, and something I wanted to give only to one man, to my
husband," said Kruger, who is currently living in South Africa with her
husband, Ernie. "He thought it was so special, and he was so proud to be
able to be the only man I will ever kiss."

Harold said saving his first kiss on his wedding day guaranteed that his
marriage wasn't based on "the physical."

"I wanted to make sure it was based in the spiritual and emotional," he
said. "I had faith that the rest would come later."

Unrealistic expectation?

There are no Gallup polls on how many people are trying to save their
first kiss for their wedding day, so concrete statistics are difficult
to come by.

Cort believes it's rare, but maybe not as rare as the general public
thinks. In the 15-plus years he's been working with teens, roughly 20
have approached him about wanting to save their first kiss for their
wedding day.

"I have always encouraged those people," Cort said. "It sets the
ultimate bar."

Jessica Valenti, author of The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with
Virginity is Hurting Young Women, notes that 95 percent of Americans
have premarital sex, and trying to save your first kiss for marriage may
be an unrealistic expectation.

If teens don't succeed: "It's a huge letdown," she said. "They feel like
failures."

Valenti said teens should be judged on values such as intellect, courage
and integrity, not their sexuality. "The idea that's communicated is
that if you have sex you're used goods," she said.

But some teens who want to save their first kiss say they feel more
pressure to have sex than to abstain.

"I've been made fun of for this decision, but I remind myself what's
important," said Jolene Kasten, 17, of Scottsville, Ky. "Being a
Christian I believe that's what God wants me to do. Wait."

Kasten, who is home-schooled, said she first considered the idea at age
15, after her mother brought up the issue. But she stresses that the
decision was hers alone.

"The way I see it, if you kiss before you're married, you could be
kissing someone else's husband or wife," she said.

'I felt very loved'

Megan Bryant, 17, said her friends are also "weirded out" by her plan.

The Goodlettsville teen said they pepper her with questions about
chemistry: How will she know whether she wants to marry someone unless
she has sex with them or at least kisses them?

Her answer, "I'm not going to marry someone because they are a good kisser."

Bryant said she decided to save her first kiss after reading a book
called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. The book — which came
out in 1997 — is kind of the Virgin Lips Movement bible.

"I read the book and I was like, 'Wow. Somebody has done this,' " Bryant
said. "What's a better gift than your first kiss? I don't want to waste
something that special."

Farrah Clark, 15, said she also decided to save her kisses after reading
the book. She said in an effort to avoid temptation she has decided not
to date until she goes to college.

"It's a whole lot easier not to date," said Clark, of Linden, Tenn.
"Then you don't have to worry about doing anything."

If it's any consolation to aspiring teens, Harold, a fifth-grade
teacher, said it wasn't as hard as it sounds.

"It took the guesswork out of it," he said. "It wasn't like when or
where because I knew I wasn't going to."

And he said the women he dated thought it was pretty cool.

"I felt very cherished and loved that my husband cared enough to wait,"
said Harold's wife, Elaine, who had one kiss, "a peck" really, before
she was married. "Especially because men are wired differently."

And how was that long- awaited first kiss?

"My wife said it was pretty slobbery, but what do you do," Harold said.
"I definitely needed practice."

While the first kiss may have been slobbery, Elaine Harold said the
couple was a quick study and she wouldn't change a thing.

"It was very special to know that was something we saved and no one can
take that away from us," said Elaine Harold.

"It gives a whole new meaning to 'You may now kiss the bride,' " her
husband said.
Additional Facts
PURITY PASSAGE

Alec Cort, Tulip Grove Baptist Church’s minister to students, recommends
the following books for those interested in saving their first kiss for
their wedding day:

• I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris

• The Princess and the Kiss, by Jennie Bishop

• Dateable: Are You? Are They?, by Justin Lookadoo

• Am I the One?, by James R. Lucas

• Why Wait?, by Josh McDowell and Dick Day

• Every Young Man’s Battle, by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker

• Every Young Woman’s Battle, by Stephen Arterburn and Shannon Ethridge

• Passion & Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot