"Gilligan" wrote in
message . ..
The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

(a customer walks in the door)

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese
Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library
on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys
by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a
little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed
my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated
your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some
cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the
bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all
manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my
good man.

Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the
week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four
ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was
expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Owner: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Owner: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Owner: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Owner: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Owner: (pause) No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Owner: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Owner: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy
Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle
France! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it,
sir.

Customer: I don't care how ****ing runny it is. Hand it
over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Customer: What now?

Owner: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Customer: (pause) Gouda?

Owner: No.

Customer: Edam?

Owner: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Owner: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Owner: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir.
We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister
Wensleydale, that's my name.

Customer: (pause) Greek Feta?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner: No.

Customer: Parmesan,

Owner: No.

Customer: Mozarella,

Owner: No.

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Owner: No.

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Owner: No.

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here,
sir.

Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular
cheese in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular
cheese 'round hyah?

Owner: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor,
squire.

Customer: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked,
expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that
conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger,
sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Owner: No.

Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an
act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the
first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese
here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your
time, sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot
you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...

S

"Seahag" wrote in message
...

"Gilligan" wrote in
message
. ..
The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...


Cheddar?

Scotty wrote:
"Seahag" wrote in message
...

"Gilligan" wrote in
message

. ..

The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...



Cheddar?



You notice there was no mention of squirty cheese in that entire
dialigue? Wanna know why? CIVILIZED people DO NOT consime squirty
cheese....they put it on rat traps...the rats die of eating the cheese....

"katy" wrote in message
...


The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...



Cheddar?



You notice there was no mention of squirty cheese in that
entire
dialigue? Wanna know why?


because it took place in Britian?


CIVILIZED people DO NOT consime squirty
cheese....they put it on rat traps...the rats die of
eating the cheese....

i put a can in a mouse trap once, they never touched it.

Scotty

"Scotty" wrote in message
...

"Seahag" wrote in message
...

"Gilligan" wrote in
message
. ..
The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...


Cheddar?

Grilled swiss.

"Seahag" wrote in message
...
The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...


Cheddar?

Grilled swiss.


Mmmm, my favorite. Lisa hates it, she even gags at the
smell.

Scotty

"Scotty" wrote:

"Seahag" wrote:
The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...


Cheddar?

Grilled swiss.


Mmmm, my favorite. Lisa hates it, she even gags at the
smell.

I'm always surprised when I discover people don't like
swiss. It seems so basic. Bill isn't partial to it, but
tolerates it on a sandwich with ham or salami. He prefers
muenster, which I find boring.

I'm so tired...had a racoon hunt tonight with animal control
after Scups met a new friend...

"Seahag" wrote in message
...

"Scotty" wrote:

"Seahag" wrote:
The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

I'm making a cheese sandwich now...


Cheddar?

Grilled swiss.


Mmmm, my favorite. Lisa hates it, she even gags at the
smell.

I'm always surprised when I discover people don't like swiss. It seems so
basic. Bill isn't partial to it, but tolerates it on a sandwich with ham
or salami. He prefers muenster, which I find boring.

I'm so tired...had a racoon hunt tonight with animal control after Scups
met a new friend...

I love Swiss but not melted. It is too stringy and makes me gag.
But Swiss and turkey with onion and mayo on a fresh Wawa roll is a favorite
sandwich.
I just need the cheese to be in a solid form.
Scout

"Scout" wrote in message

I love Swiss but not melted. It is too stringy and makes me gag.

Not fond of fondue, then?

Max

"Seahag" wrote in message
...

I'm always surprised when I discover people don't like swiss. It seems so
basic.

Swiss comes in so many varieties and flavors. I've know folks who claimed
to hate Swiss cheese, only to devour half my wedge of Jarlsberg. Guess they
must have started on Lorraine Swiss, which can be a little bitter.

Max