Hold on to your hat Robbie!!!!

http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/con...6021648489006/


B9 Tribeca


9 August 2005
By Robert Farago




Without any prompting whatsoever, my 11-year-old daughter took one look at
the new Subaru B9 Tribeca and said "ew". And there you have it. Scooby's
first-ever SUV is an irredeemably gruesome beast whose design should have
been aborted a femtosecond after conception. While Subaru would like to
convince us that "ugly ass" and "dynamic styling" are synonymous, even a
pre-teen knows that repulsive is not, and never will be, the new cool. In
the race for SUV buyers' affections, the horrific B9 sets off a mile behind
the starting line.

Not to belabor the point, but who in their right mind would put a vagina on
the nose of an SUV, and then accentuate the effect with wings and hood
strakes AND make the shape stand proud of the grill? Yes, I know: the design
reflects Fuji Heavy Industries' past as an airplane manufacturer. But they
don't make airplanes anymore, and the ones they DID make attacked Pearl
Harbor. While we're at it, the B9's rear resembles the face of a gigantic
alien-- which is only fitting. Other than its side profile, the B9's best
viewing angle is high Earth orbit.




OK, I've said my piece: there are very few eyes in which the B9 is beauty
beheld. Now, on to the B9's interior; or, as Joseph Conrad would say, "The
horror. The horror."

In order to fulfill their inscrutability quota, several Japanese
manufacturers have tried to fashion their cars' dashboards into a single,
flowing, organic shape. Subaru's B9 provides a particularly egregious
example of this entirely pointless pursuit-- with the extra annoyance of
meaningless symmetry and buttons that are about as pleasant to prod as a
week-old cockroach carcass. Well maybe the goofy binnacle isn't ENTIRELY
pointless-- its lower portion's striking resemblance to a set of fallopian
tubes continues the reproductive theme without. Anyway, once again, form
murders function.




But wait! There's more! In case the cabin lacked sufficient cognitive
dissonance to completely distract you from the business of driving, the
gauges are hooded inside a small cowl. This sporty touch makes as much sense
as a parachute on a scuba diver. Or a seven-seat SUV with less leg room than
a small-sized envelope. In fact, there's only way to accommodate seven
humans in a B9: the front AND middle seat passengers must slide their chairs
all the way forwards. The solution puts the steering wheel in contact with
the driver's chest and everyone else in a foul mood.

All of these shortcomings could be forgiven if the B9 drove with the élan of
the only-slightly-less-ugly and equally cheap-feeling WRX STi. It doesn't.
Whereas the rally-bred STi has a fire-breathing turbo four in its belly, the
B9 gets a normally aspirated 250-horse flat six. The three-liter engine
simply doesn't have enough torque to motivate the 4260lbs. Scooby without
sending the tach needle on a mad dash towards the redline. This it does, to
great sonic effect, every time you even think about building up a head of
steam. What's more, power increases exponentially at the top of the rev
range, giving the B9's engine an unpleasant on/off character.




At the same time, the B9's another behemoth that's been geared for parsimony
rather than pleasure. One wonders how many mpg's she'd muster if the gearbox
didn't shift into fourth by the time you've accepted personal liability for
your own stupidity via the touch screen. The fact that the slushbox only
dishes-up five cogs, and that the last one is longer-legged than Marisa
Miller, doesn't help. One hill climb proves that there are times when three
out of five IS bad.

Once you get up to speed-- and find a way to maintain it-- the B9's ride and
handling are on the right side of entertaining. Although the B9 is based on
a stretched version of the Subaru Outback, the company ditched the wagon's
trick multi-link rear suspension for a more robust double-wishbone set-up,
and compensated for the loss by stiffening the chassis. Right answer. The B9
soaks-up lumps and bumps like a luxury car, yet holds the road with
remarkable poise for one so large. That said, the B9's recalcitrant engine -
gearbox combo makes mid-corner throttle corrections a hit-or-miss [the
scenery] affair. Despite Subaru's legendary brand loyalty, the B9 is not the
STi driver's best choice for a family car.




In fact, it's hard to know exactly who should buy a Subaru B9. The only clue
comes from the vehicle's third name "Tribeca". That's the hipster's
sobriquet for the New York City neighborhood in the "TRIangle BElow CAnal
street". It's the 'hood where artists sell "challenging" work for outrageous
prices. If you see the Subaru B9's hideousness and ****-poor packaging as
representative of Subaru's iconoclastic artistry, you might want to go
there. Otherwise, don't.




" the B9 is not the STi driver's best choice for a family car. "

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!!!!!

Great review!

aaaahaahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahaaaa!!!!