Always vigilant about finding things to protest in God's name, the Ladies of
Landover (after getting permission from their husbands) disguised themselves
as Negroes earlier this week to attend a local Kwaanza party. The Ladies had
been tipped off to the all-night party while listening to secretly recorded
tapes of their domestics' telephone conversations. At first the Ladies had
no idea what "Kwaanza" was in reference to. "It is hard enough to understand
what those people are saying," lamented Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett,
"But when they start making up words you might as well just give up." After
listening to the tape five times, Mrs. Venitia Johnson, the town's only
known liberal, was called in to decipher. She informed the Ladies of
Landover that Kwaanza is actually a black alternative to the celebration of
Jesus. "Something to compete with Jesus?" asked Suzzanna Beth Jenkins.
"Well, if that don't smack of Satan I don't know what does!"
The Ladies' intention was to find out if this non-Caucasian holiday is of
God or the Devil. "Lucifer just lays in wait to prey on the immoral and
simple-minded," said Landover Lady vice-president, Judy O'Christian. "So,
when we realized it was a Negro-type event, we naturally became suspicious.
We wanted to find out if those people were desecrating the baby Jesus'
birth. It also provided a wonderful opportunity to see if we could locate
sterling flatware that was missing from our homes."

Using coal from their Christmas fireplaces, the Ladies disguised themselves
so well that they moved among the party unnoticed. "Our blackened faces made
us look like everyone else." Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett remarked, "But
we were just living in absolute fear that one of us would correctly
conjugate a verb and be instantly unmasked. Fortunately, Negroes essentially
look so alike that it is difficult to tell them apart, which is why I
require my help to wear numbers."

Having never been in a Negro neighborhood, much less a Negro home, the
Ladies had no idea what to expect --except the worst. After an ear-piercing
hour of profane tribal music, grape soda spritzers made with Thunderbird
wine, platters of pickled pigs feet, pork ears stuffed with peanut butter,
and fried chicken, the seemingly innocent, though horrendously catered,
'party' changed into something more sinister.

The Ladies reported that, after brief outbursts of gunfire between a few of
the guests, the entire party moved into the living-room/crack den to witness
the ritual killing of a stolen white child dressed up as the baby Jesus. "I
was petrified," Mrs. Gaines remembered, "I was frozen in horror. I couldn't
move. I mean, I wanted to at least make sure the child was saved before they
killed it, but it would have meant giving ourselves away so I pretended to
gnaw on a rum-soaked watermelon rind instead. It tasted dreadful."

These fine, brave saved Christian Ladies had gone into the party knowing
that anything could happen, but were confident in Jesus' promise to protect
them from savages. "We knew that we were dealing with an unpredictable race
of people," said Mrs O'Christian. "And the Kwaanza Festival obviously brings
Negroes closer to their voodoo Satanic African roots. In the limousine on
the way over we had speculated that sacrifices would probably be somehow a
part of Kwaanza. It's not like these people have to worry about staining
hand-knotted carpets. But, we just assumed that a small pet would be
involved. Not a human!"

After almost being caught, the Ladies made a hasty exit. "None of them
noticed that we weren't joining in on stories about ways to break into white
people's cars," recounted Taffy, "but one of the women noticed that Sister
Marge was wearing a pair of $850 shoes Betty Bowers had loaned her. I knew
we were in trouble when Marge corrected the woman, telling her that she had
not stolen the shoes from anywhere. After that slip, I knew it wouldn't take
long for them to realize we weren't one of them." After complaining that
they had to leave because "the Man was making them work," the Ladies made it
out alive to report to an entire congregation the following Sunday. Pastor
Deacon Fred mentioned, "We admire the Landover Ladies Club for risking their
lives to uncover this horrific ritual of Lucifer." As a result of the
Ladies' report, all sanitation workers, dishwashers and gardeners on the
Landover campus have been dismissed. The Ladies of Landover are also busy
interviewing Mexicans to replace their black domestics. "But we aren't going
to actually fire them until after the holidays," reported Judy O'Christian.
"They may be killing white babies left and right, but no one wants to be
training new help when you are expecting over 250 people over for a
Christmas party."