Home |
Search |
Today's Posts |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
Trapped canoeist uses bacon, makes history
Trapped canoeist uses bacon, makes history
11/20/33 Shlomo Poodleski Plain Brownwrapper Reporter Biff Torkenton knew he was in trouble last Friday after piloting his hovercanoe into a remote section of the Adirondack Reserve in upstate New York, but he had no idea he would eventually be saved by his breakfast supplies. Only hours into his solo journey, the sky unexpectedly became dark, and temperatures plunged to the low 50's, despite the biodome encasing this last remaining stand of forest in the eastern US, essentially trapping him a godforsaken wilderness when his hovercanoe's solar cells became inoperative. Fortunately, Torkenton - an administrator at Department of Redundancy Department and wilderness travel re-enactor - had packed a slab of contraband bacon, a fleshy substance derived from pigs, illegal in the United States since President Chelsea Clinton passed the Vegan Food act of 2026. Torkenton, 105, of the megalopolis of Cleveland-Columbus, realized that he had but one chance to escape before the being mauled by Adirondack's ravenous mutant chipmunks, and placed his illicit bacon on a heating device (a "stove" in wilderness re-enactor terminology). The scent of cooking animal flesh activated a monitoring station manned by PETA personnel who transmitted his location to the FBC (Food Beverage and Condiments) Police. That information was sent to the World Government Coordination Center in Stockholm, which alerted emergency services in the US State of Ontario. Just over seven minutes after sending his odoriferous message for help, Torkenton was picked up by a rescue team from the Army's Peacekeeper and Democracy Building Detachment, rotated home from duty in Iraq only weeks before. His rescue was the first using bacon in the contiguous United States, and the first rescue employing an animal product since the now-famous incident involving a group of stranded Alaskan salmon watchers, immortalized in the movie "Saved By Spam". The camping trip was his 12th trip into the park, although on previous trips he had re-enacted staying at a B&B, driving to scenic overlooks and finding an RV campsite with HBO. Torkenton said forecasts gave no hint of the darkness that would sweep though the area at sunset. He weathered the failing light and impending darkness for three minutes before deciding to call for help. "If you get into a situation where it's getting dark, what are the alternatives? Somebody has got to come for you," he said, adding, "I want my surrogate animatronic Mommy" Torkenton said he still had water and provisions but didn't know when the sun would reappear. "I didn't feel like I was in dire straits. I just knew that it was getting dark and spooky, and didn't know if that situation would change for the positive anytime soon," said Torkenton, a manager of Instructional Technology for Technological Instruction Division at the Department of Redundancy Department. When he heard the approaching rescuers, confirming that the bacon had actually worked, Torkenton said his first thought was, "They really are coming to save my bacon". "I'm happy I made the decision to purchase the bacon, and I'm happy the bacon worked, and I'm really, really really happy nobody got hurt by any of the hot grease that spattered". Nonetheless, Torkenton will return to the park this weekend to recover his hovercanoe and other gear. He will be packing a ham and cheese on rye but isn't itching to become the second PETA-assisted rescue. "What do you think the chances are I'd pull that again unless I was inches away from a hangnail or worse? I don't mind being first, but I sure don't want to be caught with my meat out in public twice". |
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Forum | |||
Trapped canoeist uses bacon, makes history | General |