Trapped canoeist uses bacon, makes history

11/20/33

Shlomo Poodleski
Plain Brownwrapper Reporter

Biff Torkenton knew he was in trouble last Friday after piloting his
hovercanoe into a remote section of the Adirondack Reserve in upstate
New York, but he had no idea he would eventually be saved by his
breakfast supplies.

Only hours into his solo journey, the sky unexpectedly became dark,
and temperatures plunged to the low 50's, despite the biodome encasing
this last remaining stand of forest in the eastern US, essentially
trapping him a godforsaken wilderness when his hovercanoe's solar
cells became inoperative.

Fortunately, Torkenton - an administrator at Department of Redundancy
Department and wilderness travel re-enactor - had packed a slab of
contraband bacon, a fleshy substance derived from pigs, illegal in the
United States since President Chelsea Clinton passed the Vegan Food
act of 2026.

Torkenton, 105, of the megalopolis of Cleveland-Columbus, realized
that he had but one chance to escape before the being mauled by
Adirondack's ravenous mutant chipmunks, and placed his illicit bacon
on a heating device (a "stove" in wilderness re-enactor terminology).

The scent of cooking animal flesh activated a monitoring station
manned by PETA personnel who transmitted his location to the FBC (Food
Beverage and Condiments) Police. That information was sent to the
World Government Coordination Center in Stockholm, which alerted
emergency services in the US State of Ontario.

Just over seven minutes after sending his odoriferous message for
help, Torkenton was picked up by a rescue team from the Army's
Peacekeeper and Democracy Building Detachment, rotated home from duty
in Iraq only weeks before.

His rescue was the first using bacon in the contiguous United States,
and the first rescue employing an animal product since the now-famous
incident involving a group of stranded Alaskan salmon watchers,
immortalized in the movie "Saved By Spam".

The camping trip was his 12th trip into the park, although on previous
trips he had re-enacted staying at a B&B, driving to scenic overlooks
and finding an RV campsite with HBO.

Torkenton said forecasts gave no hint of the darkness that would sweep
though the area at sunset. He weathered the failing light and
impending darkness for three minutes before deciding to call for help.
"If you get into a situation where it's getting dark, what are the
alternatives? Somebody has got to come for you," he said, adding, "I
want my surrogate animatronic Mommy"

Torkenton said he still had water and provisions but didn't know when
the sun would reappear. "I didn't feel like I was in dire straits. I
just knew that it was getting dark and spooky, and didn't know if that
situation would change for the positive anytime soon," said Torkenton,
a manager of Instructional Technology for Technological Instruction
Division at the Department of Redundancy Department.

When he heard the approaching rescuers, confirming that the bacon had
actually worked, Torkenton said his first thought was, "They really
are coming to save my bacon".

"I'm happy I made the decision to purchase the bacon, and I'm happy
the bacon worked, and I'm really, really really happy nobody got hurt
by any of the hot grease that spattered".

Nonetheless, Torkenton will return to the park this weekend to recover
his hovercanoe and other gear. He will be packing a ham and cheese on
rye but isn't itching to become the second PETA-assisted rescue.

"What do you think the chances are I'd pull that again unless I was
inches away from a hangnail or worse? I don't mind being first, but I
sure don't want to be caught with my meat out in public twice".

Hi Mike,

Thanks for the insight into your psyche! We'll know exactly how to
interpret your future posts!

(Plonk)

Chuck

in article , Mike McCrea at
wrote on 11/26/03 6:44 AM:

The scent of cooking animal flesh activated a monitoring station
manned by PETA personnel who transmitted his location to the FBC (Food
Beverage and Condiments) Police. That information was sent to the
World Government Coordination Center in Stockholm, which alerted
emergency services in the US State of Ontario.

Charles Pezeshki wrote in :

Hi Mike,

Thanks for the insight into your psyche! We'll know exactly how
to interpret your future posts!

(Plonk)

Chuck

in article , Mike
McCrea at wrote on 11/26/03 6:44 AM:

The scent of cooking animal flesh activated a monitoring station
manned by PETA personnel who transmitted his location to the FBC
(Food Beverage and Condiments) Police. That information was sent
to the World Government Coordination Center in Stockholm, which
alerted emergency services in the US State of Ontario.



One man's humour is another man's ... uh .. what *is* it exactly,
Chuck?

--
Darryl

I have to admit, the first time I saw a post on this topic, I misread
"beacon" as "bacon", and in fact, I opened the thread to find out how
that worked. I was thinking maybe he used strips of bacon to lash
together some kind of rig to assist him... I dunno.

More! More!

John Adams


"Mike McCrea" wrote in message
m...
Trapped canoeist uses bacon, makes history

11/20/33

Shlomo Poodleski
Plain Brownwrapper Reporter

Sorry, Darryl,

This is the kind of stuff that folks like me who live in/next to Idaho have
to deal with on a daily basis-- the "UN/PETA taking over the world" crowd,
and the "Bill Clinton and his semen are the seeds of the Anti-Christ".
Certain folks in N. Idaho believe that the UN has Chinese soldiers across
the border in Canada, ready to invade.

The biggest threat to our rivers, our wild country and our society is
encoded in our current interpretation of corporate law, and executed in the
current administration in Washington, D.C. In the past year, we've seen
more bad environmental policy generated and implemented than in the last 50
years.

Those laws and regulatory changes that are being currently embodied under
such false noms de guerre as the "Healthy Forests Initiative", the "Clear
Skies Initiative" and such are gonna haunt us for a long time.

Mike's mind should rest in peace. There are more factory farms being
commissioned by the day, along with their groundwater fecal contamination
and noxious odors that destroy people's lives that have to live in places
where they exist. He needn't worry about his bacon.

Where's the satire? All I read is code language for paranoids. Anybody
that doesn't believe can move to this part of the world. Or just wait-- the
Inland Empire is the vanguard of that kind of thought. It's coming your
way!

Chuck "No Vegetarian, that's for sure!"
http://www.wildcountry.info

in article , Darryl Johnson at
wrote on 11/26/03 9:55 AM:


One man's humour is another man's ... uh .. what *is* it exactly,
Chuck?

--
Darryl

I have to admit, the first time I saw a post on this topic, I misread
"beacon" as "bacon", and in fact, I opened the thread to find out how
that worked. I was thinking maybe he used strips of bacon to lash
together some kind of rig to assist him... I dunno.

(Mike McCrea) wrote in message om...
Trapped canoeist uses bacon, makes history

[snip] terrific humor]


Oh, dear, McCrea's been pig-boatin' again.


-Richard, His Kanubic Travesty
--
================================================== ====================
Richard Hopley Winston-Salem, NC, USA
rhopley[at]earthlink[dot]net
Nothing really matters except Boats, Sex, and Rock'n'Roll
rhopley[at]wfubmc[dot]edu
OK, OK; computer programming for scientific research also matters
================================================== ====================

Charles Pezeshki wrote in message ...

Where's the satire? All I read is code language for paranoids. Anybody
that doesn't believe can move to this part of the world. Or just wait-- the
Inland Empire is the vanguard of that kind of thought. It's coming your
way!

Chuck, wellllll, it was intended as satire, a parody of this news
article:

http://www.cleveland.com/cuyahoga/pl...9365191630.xml

I haven't had to resort to the paranoid's secret code language since I
started lining my hat with tin foil to block the mind-rays from the
black helicopters ;-)

Mike McCrea wrote:
[snip]
I haven't had to resort to the paranoid's secret code language since I
started lining my hat with tin foil to block the mind-rays from the
black helicopters ;-)

Which way works better? Does the "shiny side" go in or out? Inquiring
minds want to know!

jg
--
John Gann /) 83°52'49"W
(865)924-4203 O_/ 35°57'25"N
_____(\/_____
~~~~~~~~~~`~-~~-/-~~-'~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ / ~~~~ ~~~~ ~

John Gann writes:

Mike McCrea wrote:
[snip]
I haven't had to resort to the paranoid's secret code language since I
started lining my hat with tin foil to block the mind-rays from the
black helicopters ;-)

Which way works better? Does the "shiny side" go in or out?
Inquiring minds want to know!

http://zapatopi.net/afdb.html

HTH, HAND

--
James jamesk[at]homeric[dot]co[dot]uk

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

John Gann wrote

Which way works better? Does the "shiny side" go in or out? Inquiring
minds want to know!

John, always remember shiny side out!

If you wear the tin foil protector shiny side it will set up a
harmonic resonance with the fillings in your teeth and attract
flouride from your drinking water to your cerebral cortex, turning you
into a raving pinko commie libral decaf drinker.