The Conservative Palinguage Guide Vols. 1 and 2
September 5th, 2008 | Posted in Talkback |
Vol. 1



If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over more qualified
candidates you’re a “token hire.”

If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more
qualified candidates you’re a “game changer.”



If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant you’re a “baby
daddy.”

If you’re the same in Alaska you’re a “teen father.” (Actually,
according to your own MySpace page you’re an F’n redneck that don’t want
any kids, but that’s too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to
take out of context and flog morning noon and night).


Black teen pregnancies? A “crisis” in black America.

White teen pregnancies? A “blessed event.”



If you grow up in Hawaii you’re “exotic.”

Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential
“American story.”



Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you’re “unpatriotic.”

Name your kid Track, you’re “colorful.”



If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the
individual you’re “reckless.”

A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a “maverick.”



If you say that for the “first time in my adult lifetime I’m really
proud of my country” it makes you “unfit” to be First Lady.

If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that
advocates secession that makes you “First Dude.”



A DUI from twenty years ago is “old news.”

A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is
“relevant information.”



And, finally, if you’re a man and you decide to run for office despite
your wife’s reoccurrence of cancer you’re a “questionable spouse.”

If you’re a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five
kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don’t know what
that is ‘cause THAT’S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!



Vol. 2

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential
primary, you’re a “phoney.”

Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous
state in the Union, you’re “well loved.”



SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the
lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to “get
to know you.”

If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America
needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know
you’re “one of us.”



If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a “terrorist fist jab.”

If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your
youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an “adorable moment.”
(Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some
grooming skills).



DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States
of America, you’re an “extremist.”

If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who
preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that
they must convert to Christianity, you’re a “fundamentalist.”



If you’re a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college,
then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review,
you’re “uppity.”

If you’re a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii
Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over
the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be
five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified
whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of
Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended
any kind of school in Hawaii).



SeanOcali says: If you’re 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant
“life happens.”

If you’re 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you’re a
“registered sex offender.”



If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of “Change,”
it’s just “empty rhetoric.”

If one week before your party’s national convention you SUDDENLY make
your candidacy about “Change,” that’s “red meat.”



And your last lesson for the day:

If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if
you’re female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial,
multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you’re a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or
atheist - “Yes, we can!”

If you’re a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, “Yup, yup!”