Eisboch wrote:
There has to be more than a few Navy vets here on this NG. Read this when
you're thinking of the "good" old days.

Eisboch

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Simulate Life In The Navy
courtesy of Rich Campbell
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

And have some of your "buddies" come over and beat on the
sides of it when you're asleep, at random intervals but at
least 2 times every 3 days.

2. Run all of the piping and wires in your house on the outside of the
walls.

Put lots of it in places where you'll bump your head against
it, too.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump
it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

Then have somebody point out every blemish in the paint and
scream at you about every one.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10
per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

This is especially necessary if the lawnmower runs fine.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays turn your water temperature up
to 190 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday, turn it down to 50 degrees. On
Saturdays and Sundays, declare to your entire family that they used too much
water during the week, so all showering is "secured".

Another option is to "shower" by rubbing yourself with a wet
paper towel from the sink. Then (see #12 below) live for
days in close proximity with other men who have no better
access to hygiene.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next-door neighbor come over each day at 5 am and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave to and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6 am and
read it to you.

Good one

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours and hang a
sign on the door that reads, "Secured - contact OA division at x-3053".
11. Submit a request from to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for
you to leave your house before 3 pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over and then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6
months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through
the front window of your home. you can't leave until the next day. You have
duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician, etc.)

Each appliance must have a full manual with many pages of
exact instructions for every step necessary to operate it.
These manuals must be cross referenced to every other
manual. There must also be a manual of detailed instructions
for maintenance and repairs of all appliances, and spare
parts for all appliances must be stored in a metal bracket
6" above your bed (see #7).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every
10 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".

When doing this, make sure you have a cell phone headset and
call your spouse and give them a minute by minute update
of progress on "lighting off" the car.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep your driveway 3
times a day, whether they need it or not. ("Sweepers, sweepers, man your
brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all garbage in
receptacles provided for on the fantail. Now sweepers.")
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot and allow
each pot to sit for 5 hours before drinking.

Actually, most of the Navy coffee I had was pretty good.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch
CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in
the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and
then show a different one.

TV? We didn't have no stinkin TV!

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

Now that's not funny!

Thanks for posting this list. Ahhh the memories!

DSK