Arlington, VA) The man who changed elite Republican guard to Death
Squad Enforcers, who transformed American Soldier into Liberator, who
glossed a sanitary term like "transfer tubes" over the horrific
description "body bags," who turned torture into the "excesses of human
nature," and who once made a public episode of self-satisfaction seem
like an apology has done it again: from now on, Exit Strategy will be
known as Victory Strategy.

Secretary of Defense Donald "Rickles" Rumsfeld admits his capacity for
linguistic acrobatics goes against a well-established Republican mantra,
but he bristles when compared to liberals. "Is there a difference? Yes,
there is. Goodness, let's see how I can explain the distinction.
Liberals are PC, but they're always nice. I'm PC, but I'm as
belligerent as I can be about it."

Belligerent, indeed. An independent study conducted by the FOX News
Channel confirms journalists attending DOD briefings are less likely
nowadays than at any time in the past to ask anything but softball
questions.

"Helluva way to get things done, ain't it?" scoffed Rumsfeld. "Good
gracious, it used to Donald 'Rickles' Rumsfeldbe that reporters would
occasionally tell the public something we didn't want to be known, or
they'd ask someone in my position about the unknown knowns and the known
unknowns. Never mind the known knowns and the unknown unknowns. They
wanted the tough answers."

Thank goodness Rumsfeld has intimidated today's press into asking about
and reporting on just the already-knowns