JON CARROLL
Jon Carroll

Thursday, February 10, 2005


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JON CARROLL
02/10/2005

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02/09/2005

JON CARROLL
02/08/2005







Let us consider the Rapture Index. This is a real thing prepared by
serious people. If it makes you laugh, you have not gotten the memo.
You probably have not read any of the 12 volumes of the "Left Behind"
series, the best-selling books in America today.

Those Left Behind are those who did not experience the Rapture, which
is an instant in time when all the truly holy people are taken directly
to heaven, leaving their clothes in small neat piles behind them. The
rest of the ungodly losers are left to deal with natural disasters and
wars and the armies of the Antichrist, after which they die in various
colorful ways while the ranks of the saved watch with compassion
tempered with an understandable sense of satisfaction.

The Rapture Index, as of this writing, stands at 153. Anything over 145
is labeled by the Rapture Actuaries as "Fasten your seat belts." In
other words: Repent for the End Is Near. You may see all this for
yourself at www.raptureready.com/rap2.html, should you think I'm making
it up.

The Rapture Index is based on 45 prophetic categories, things like
drought, plague, floods, liberalism, beast government and mark of the
beast. "Beast government" is apparently the European Union; the news
that the EU is looking for a new president is seen as a sign that the
end time is drawing nearer. The latest "mark of the beast" is a plan by
the Antichrist that will result in said mark being implanted in the
right hand or forehead of unbelievers. The relatively high number of
this indicator is explained thusly: "Wal-Mart is falling behind in its
plan to bar code all products with radio tags." There are some parts of
this belief system I have not yet grasped.

The Rapture is a good thing, and therefore floods, famine, drought and
all that are also good things because they portend the coming of end
times. Even liberalism is a good thing, because there need to be a lot
of Christ- deniers for the end times to come. (Among the prophesied
Christ-deniers: the pope. That part is pretty much played down in the
pamphlets.)

The end times begin when Russia (also known as the ancient nation of
Gog) and Iran join forces to attack Israel. Before this can happen,
however, the old temple must be rebuilt. Peace between Israel and the
Palestinians is necessary for that to happen, so the Rapture Index sees
the peace talks as a good sign. Not as a good as the tsunami, but
definitely positive.

I am not the first one to notice this. The environmental Web site
www.grist.org has been covering it; Bill Moyers also wrote a column
about it (preserved by truthout at www.truthout.org/docs_
2005/013105F.shtml). Alas, the quote attributed to James Watt, the
secretary of the interior under Ronald Reagan ("after the last tree is
felled, Christ will come back"), is not verifiable, although it's been
reported many times. Probably the liberal media again, taking time out
from promoting the homosexual agenda.

So read the Rapture Index. Consider its implications: One of George
Bush's core constituencies is actively praying for environmental
degradation. Its members are in fact praying for the end of the world,
because the end of the world is the beginning of the fun part of
salvation.

Let's look at the new budget through this lens, which is (I emphasize)
neither fanciful nor satirical. Money for clean water: down. Money for
the cleanup of old nuclear sites, including the massive job at the
Hanford (Wash.) Nuclear Reservation: way down. Number of Forest Service
and Bureau of Land Management acres open for logging: up. Amount of
territory in Alaska declared OK for oil drilling: way up.

You might even consider the impact of the Rapture on deficit financing.
Who cares how much debt we accrue? Christ will come and forgive it all.
Why not borrow against the future to pay for the present? The future is
gonna be a whole different deal. We're just placeholders for God's own
totalitarian state.

For us secular humanists, us gay-marrying, porn-reading, prayer-mocking
harbingers of doom, all this seems incredible. We are still in the
reality- based paradigm; we have not yet crossed over into the
faith-based paradigm. In the faith-based world, the apparent
inconsistencies within the Bush administration fade into nothingness.

Millennial Christians have somehow convinced themselves that the
founding fathers would have approved of all this because they were all
old-time Christians following that old-time religion. Because Rapture
theology was mostly cobbled together in the 19th century based on very
selective readings from parts of the New Testament, it is unlikely that
the founding fathers believed anything of the sort. Not important: Once
again, I'm indulging in reality-based thinking.

Like the prophet said: Fasten your seat belts.