Authentic: used to describe a candidate who is unaware of current events
and doesn't read a newspaper, and is proud of it.

Class warfa a technique by which teachers, nurses, firemen, and
cashiers are believed to be oppressing derivatives traders and CEOs, and
includes unreasonably complaining that their wages aren't keeping up
with the cost of their health insurance.


Conservative: a person profoundly respectful of heritage, tradition, and
old-fashioned values while preaching the revolution and strip-mining the
Grand Canyon for high-sulfur coal.


Elites: insufferable, overeducated snobs who are not real Ameri*cans and
may in fact be French. Mitt Romney (Harvard MBA and JD) and George W.
Bush (Yale, Harvard) have often criti*cized such scoundrels.


Free-market capitalism: the economic system by which Halli*burton gets
sole-source, cost-plus government contracts.

Global warming: a hoax perpetrated by a worldwide conspiracy of biased
scientists. Fortunately it is being combated by right-wing foundations,
oil companies, televangelists, and other disin*terested believers in
objective fact.


Job creators: the truly creative engines of economic growth in our
society: real-estate flippers, mortgage-backed securities bundlers,
leveraged buyout specialists, dividend drawers, and hedge-fund billionaires.


Liberal (pronounced librull): a satanic ideologue who is at once a
socialist leveler, an elitist defender of privilege, an atheist, and a
secret Muslim determined to bring sharia law to America.


Patriot: someone who loves America more than he loves the ma*jority of
the people living therein.


Real Americans: the minority of Americans who look, think, and act
exactly as I do.


Sharia law: a fundamentalist religious doctrine imposed on a given
political jurisdiction. Any resemblance to public statutes on abortion
in the Commonwealth of Virginia is purely coincidental.


Take our country back: Give us what we want right now, even if we don't
know what it is.


Tea Party: people covered by Medicare who hate socialized medicine.


Washington spending: the bad sort of spending that doesn't go toward
earmarks to campaign contributors, subsidies to big oil, or the
military's half-trillion-dollar budget. Everyone knows the Pentagon is
across the Potomac in Virginia, not in Washington.

From Mike Lofgren

--
I'm a liberal because the militant fundamentalist ignorant
science-denying religious xenophobic corporate oligarchy of modern
Republican conservatism just doesn't work for me or my country.