....Herman Cain:

December 2, 2011
A Farewell from Herman Cain
My Final Thoughts

Dear Friend,

And when I say “friend,” I mean it in the normal way, not “someone I’ve
been sleeping with for 13 years.” Unless, of course, I have been
sleeping with you for 13 years. In that case, I do mean it that way.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my inspirational
quest for the White House. After much reassessing and reconsidering, I
have decided to spend more time being screamed at by my wife. And by
“more time,” I mean 24 hours a day, stopping only for bathroom breaks.

But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign.
After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and
participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being
disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the
following question: are you ****ing kidding me?

I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether
that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for
running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet
none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was
the front-****ing-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I
have no idea what I meant by that -- I just like saying 9-9-9.)

But here’s the part that really kills me. You’re kicking me to the curb
because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt
Gingrich? I repeat: are you ****ing kidding me? Oh, I know what you’re
saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.” Well, Newt
Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the
intellectual of the Stooges.

And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America. Right now
if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country. I really, truly
would. Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let
me leave the house.

Goodbye forever,

Herman


(From the terrifically funny Andy Borowitz, of course.)


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