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Palin Shoots, Field-Dresses Reindeer
by kwolfman
Thu Dec 25, 2008 at 10:59:19 PM PST

Caught up in post-election efforts to bolster her public image and
set the stage for a 2012 presidential run of her own, Alaska
Governor Sarah Palin forgot to pick up the family's Christmas turkey
dinner from Costco. So, like all hard-working hockey moms, she made
the best of a potentially bad situation.

Palin picked off one of Santa Claus's reindeer in mid-flight early
Thursday morning with her prized double barrel mahogany-handled
shotgun, as the jolly giver of gifts skirted the outskirts of
midtown Wasilla in his shiny red sleigh on the way to Anchorage.
The reindeer in question, later identified as Prancer, began
bleeding profusely from its midsection, and Santa was forced to cut
it loose from the sleigh to avoid a crash and allow the annual
worldwide toy delivery to continue. Prancer fell "at least 600 feet"
through the air before slamming into the frozen Alaskan tundra,
whereupon he expired.

"I ain't never seen nothin' like it," said Todd Palin, who arrived
at the carcass ahead of his wife on a new racing-quality snowmobile.
"I mean, how many chicks you know can cap a doe at 200 yards in the
dark? That s*** was HOT. God, I love my wife. And I need a cold
shower."

Mrs. Palin reached the dead reindeer a few minutes later on
snowshoes, and proceeded to skin it, remove its organs, cut its
throat, and hang it upside-down from a nearby tree to drain the
blood. She and her husband then dismembered the carcass, packed the
various parts into two full-size garbage bags, and carried it all
back to their house.

The Governor emphasized that no part of Prancer's body would go to
waste.

"Well, you know, we're gonna barbecue the ribs and the front legs
for dinner later today," she said, "and we'll be throwin' the
hindquarters into the woods out back so the wolves have somethin' to
eat too. We're tryin' to fatten 'em up so they make bigger targets
come aerial hunting season." Mrs. Palin threw in one of her
customary winks to add a dose of levity to the situation.

When asked about the fate of Prancer's head, Mrs. Palin replied that
she is "thinkin' of usin' it for the mask on Trig's Halloween
costume next year. That little guy, he loves watching 'Rudolph'
before bedtime."

Santa Claus managed to complete his circuit and make it back to the
North Pole without losing another reindeer, but expressed sadness at
the loss of Prancer while staying upbeat about the overall health of
his fleet.

"Obviously, we're all devastated here that Prancer's gone," Claus
said via cell phone interview. "But we finished up just fine with
only seven 'deer, and we're confident that next year we'll get by
again with seven just fine. To be honest, old Prance'd been
slipping a bit in recent years. He was getting to be a liability.
Maybe it's better this way."

A majority of the remaining reindeer openly wept when asked to
describe their feelings, but a few were noticeably ambivalent.

"Prancer was a loafer," spat Donner. "I was always having to pick
up his slack. He put on about fifty pounds this summer and never
even tried to work it off in time for the big flight. I was puffing
like a smoke stack 'till that b**** took his a** down. Palin 2012!"

Added Dancer, "Half the time we went up, Prancer was drunk. I mean
flat-out, balls-to-the-wall wasted. We tried an intervention a few
years back, but he just fled and hid in a snowbank for a month,
chain-smoking and swigging whiskey by the bottle with some
****ed-off union elves who were on strike."

After dinner, Mrs. Palin was asked if she planned to hunt and cook
any more of Santa's reindeer for Christmas in the years to come.

"Oh, this one was mighty tasty, so you betcha!"
"How many?"
"Um ... all of 'em!"

- - -


:{
Why santa bypassed your house? Got rid of the semi bad people and
did not even drop off a lump of coal?
It's only 9:30 am in California and already you've had too much spiked
eggnog?

Try again, Bilious, only this time, use standard English.



Don't judge others drinking by yours.
Yeah, Bilious, I don't. I bought a 12-pack of beer just before summer
started and I noticed in my refrigerator I still have nine left.
Good you do not wash down your drugs with beer. How about your whiskey
consumption?
Blech. I have less use for "hard liquor" than I do for beer.

I do like girlie drinks once in a while. I had a couple of margaritas over
the summer.

So you do your drugs straight up. You the man.




My "drugs" consist of a daily dose of a multivitamin and a small dose
aspirin, a pittance to what you must be taking in order to present the
semi-comatose consciousness you write with here. Unless you have fallen
on your head a lot, or are naturally dim.