I'm so upset! You see that horrible thing, Wilfrid Hereford is
masquerading as me, Wilbur Hubbard.

It all started one night at the Leather and Lashes Bar and Grill where
some of us "Girls" meet. You see Wilfrid is simply the most awful
dresser in the local community. Absolutely without style. I, on the
other hand have an absolutely fabulous sense of what is "In" and
obviously Wilfrid is extremely jealous of me.

Well, on the night in mention I was wearing my yellow vinyl hot pants
AND an authentic Hells Angles leather vest, complete with "Colors"
imprinted on the back. (It cost me $500 and, well, and some other
"services") but tres chic. Wilfrid, on the other hand was "attired" in
a sleazy black muscle shirt and a red mini. Gauche, in the extreme. I
can't begin to tell you how horrible he looked with his skinny white
arms sticking out of that horrible black shirt. Ugh!

But, anyway. I made the mistake of saying to my Friend (you see that
is another thing that makes Wilfrid jealous - I have a Friend but he
is still oyster diving in public johns, and my Friend is, well, rich).
But I did say, and Wilfrid heard me, I guess, that I couldn't see how,
if that was the best he could dress, how he could afford to buy a
drink at the Leather..

Well! that just set him off. Frothing! (you've never seen anything
like it) Simply insane with jealousy!

And ever since Wilfrid has stolen my email address and is writing all
this simply awful stuff about how I hate women (some actually have a
divine sense of style you know) and all this foolishness about boats
and how he is a Real Sailor (actually he gets seasick in a bubble
bath).

I could tell you about this boat he keeps talking about. He had a
group of us down to an Affair on his Yacht. Ten of us and he was
supposed to provide drinks and stuff. Heaven help us, a six-pack of
Bud Light and a bottle of unpitted olives. And tiny, you can't imagine
how tiny that little thing is. Why, my Friend and I could hardly find
room to spread out and sun bathing was utterly impossible.

So, Please! Please! if you read something that Wilfrid has written
using my name DO NOT BELIEVE IT.

(to show a message is really from me I'll include the secret word
"leather" in the message somewhere.... but don't let on to Wilfrid
what the secret is).

Wilbur Hubbard