From the 'Daily Mash':

IRAN will soon find the five British yachtsmen they have captured quite
unbearable, experts predicted last night.

Middle East analysts said the sailors, who strayed into Iranian waters
while on some pointless jaunt from one gin and tonic to the next, should
be free within days after it emerged that at least two of them are named
'Ollie'.

Martin Bishop, of Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Have you ever been
in the same room as a yachtsmen for more than 20 minutes? I am stunned
that they haven't been paid to leave.

"I suspect by now they'll have made some comment about how 'the galley
is not up to snuff' before fashioning makeshift pillows out of their
ghastly, over-priced Tommy Hilfiger jumpers.

"Then, just when their guards want to talk about films or music, they'll
start telling these interminable stories about 60ft waves off the
Hebrides and the time they somehow limped back into Plymouth with a
badly shattered aft-basket and a sail made from toast.

"It'll be like, 'I looked up and there was Ollie dangling off the
spinaker by his goolies, but he still managed to polish off his G&T
without spilling a drop'.

"'And while all this was happening Ollie and Ollie grabbed the mizzen
fore-shaft and tied the tightest pair of bullscocks you've ever seen in
your life'."

Iran have so far refused to confirm the existence of the yachtsmen but
insisted that any foreigners in their custody will be used for the
peaceful manufacture of electricity.

Meanwhile, at the United Nations in New York, more than 40 countries
have now signed a motion asking Iran if they could just stop being such
total dicks for five minutes.