a.. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut
feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.


b.. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable
substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an
awesome substitute.


c.. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare
hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a
hand.


d.. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then
one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.


e.. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of
rum.


f.. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to
exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any
circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.


g.. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants.
Actually, that kinda goes without saying.


h.. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include
gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.


i.. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.


j.. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event
both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant
with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.


k.. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".


l.. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer.
Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.


m.. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his
hands.


n.. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth
or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace
is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.


o.. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable
replacement for a shower.


p.. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed
either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a
man.


q.. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable
headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears,
top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from
the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats
looted from a tailory.


r.. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a
bludgerin'.


s.. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.


t.. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.


u.. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a
pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word
for that. Corpse.


v.. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any
question.


w.. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean
"killing".


x.. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic,
ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply
because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".


y.. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may
be a cabin boy.


z.. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.


aa.. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A
pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.


ab.. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest"
is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.


ac.. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan
into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern.
Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.


ad.. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an
umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.


ae.. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate
brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said
individual may keep their pirate status.


af.. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap
its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".


ag.. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills
that man.


ah.. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly
acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.


ai.. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at
a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments
about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.


aj.. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He
is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can
carry on her back.


ak.. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.


al.. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not
considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never
remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.


am.. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not
together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").


an.. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan
enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.


ao.. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea,
pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars,
rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are
strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the
arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.


ap.. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.


aq.. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is
for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.


ar.. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.


as.. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing
protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't
stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.


at.. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black;
unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on
the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.


au.. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene
and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.


av.. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not
have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews,
or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.


aw.. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not
available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.


ax.. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason
for that, so don't even try.


ay.. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of
beverage.


az.. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells
dirty, it is clean.


ba.. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use
of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.


bb.. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more
rum.


bc.. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.


bd.. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.


be.. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he
first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.


bf.. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is
perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and
"Ahoy Matey!"


bg.. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the
wall of a bathroom.


bh.. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of
female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".


bi.. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure
chest.


bj.. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some
out for dead mateys".


bk.. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on
the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.


bl.. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is
allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of
cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.


bm.. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in
country-western line-dancing.


bn.. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll
probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".


bo.. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or
something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden
statue is unbecoming of a pirate.


bp.. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword
through the chest.


bq.. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be
occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash.
Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.


br.. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.


And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...

Thanks to:
Connor M, Greg B, CT G, Bruce M., JC W, Don N, Phil H, Thom K, Nonda L,
Bryan C., Menno C, Nathan W., Ernesto F, Shane C, Sebastian S, Vladimir S,
Jesse B, Ray H. and Dudley B. Keep em coming!

"Mike Katz" wrote in message
. net...
a.. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut
feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.


b.. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable
substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an
awesome substitute.


c.. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare
hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing
a hand.


d.. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg.
Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.


e.. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of
rum.


f.. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to
exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any
circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.


g.. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants.
Actually, that kinda goes without saying.


h.. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include
gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.


i.. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.


j.. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event
both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant
with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.


k.. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".


l.. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer.
Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.


m.. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his
hands.


n.. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth
or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a
necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of
human toes.


o.. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable
replacement for a shower.


p.. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be
consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to
kill a man.


q.. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable
headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears,
top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed
from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed
for hats looted from a tailory.


r.. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is
a bludgerin'.


s.. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.


t.. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.


u.. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a
pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a
word for that. Corpse.


v.. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any
question.


w.. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean
"killing".


x.. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic,
ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply
because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".


y.. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may
be a cabin boy.


z.. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.


aa.. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A
pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.


ab.. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest"
is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.


ac.. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan
into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said
tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No
exceptions.


ad.. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an
umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.


ae.. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate
brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said
individual may keep their pirate status.


af.. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to
snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".


ag.. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first
kills that man.


ah.. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly
acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.


ai.. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking
at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any
comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.


aj.. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He
is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can
carry on her back.


ak.. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.


al.. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not
considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never
remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.


am.. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not
together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").


an.. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan
enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.


ao.. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea,
pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars,
rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword
are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls
the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.


ap.. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.


aq.. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it
is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.


ar.. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.


as.. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing
protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye
can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.


at.. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black;
unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted
on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.


au.. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning
hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much
profanity.


av.. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not
have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers,
corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not
Inspector Gadget.


aw.. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not
available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.


ax.. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a
reason for that, so don't even try.


ay.. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of
beverage.


az.. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or
smells dirty, it is clean.


ba.. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship.
Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.


bb.. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more
rum.


bc.. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.


bd.. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.


be.. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he
first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.


bf.. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is
perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!",
and "Ahoy Matey!"


bg.. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the
wall of a bathroom.


bh.. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of
female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".


bi.. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure
chest.


bj.. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some
out for dead mateys".


bk.. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on
the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.


bl.. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is
allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of
cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.


bm.. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in
country-western line-dancing.


bn.. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll
probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".


bo.. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or
something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a
wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.


bp.. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword
through the chest.


bq.. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be
occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash.
Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.


br.. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.


And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...

Thanks to:
Connor M, Greg B, CT G, Bruce M., JC W, Don N, Phil H, Thom K, Nonda L,
Bryan C., Menno C, Nathan W., Ernesto F, Shane C, Sebastian S, Vladimir S,
Jesse B, Ray H. and Dudley B. Keep em coming!



Excellent!


--
"j" ganz @@
www.sailnow.com