Things you have to believe to be a Republican


1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your
recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack
down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America"; means firing your workers and moving their jobs
to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is! to praise the troops in speeches
while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for
governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care
to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

15. A president lyi! ng about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A presid ent lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can
tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Feel free to pass these on. If you don't send them to at least ten other
people, we're likely to be stuck with Bush for 4 more years.