From my favorite comedian, Andy Borowitz:

O.J. Seeks His Old Jury
Launches Manhunt for ’95 Panel

Facing ten felony counts after his ill-fated attempt to acquire sports
memorabilia, O.J. Simpson announced today that he would attempt to
reassemble the jury that found him not guilty in his 1995 murder trial.

Speaking to reporters in Las Vegas, the former football star said he
would “spare no offense” to find the twelve jurors who set him free
twelve years ago.

“This current case is a very complicated once – maybe even trickier than
my murder trial,” Mr. Simpson told reporters. “It’s important that we
have a jury that really knows what they’re doing.”

Mr. Simpson acknowledged that it might be difficult to locate all twelve
of the jurors who found him innocent in 1995, but indicated that “all
the time and the effort in the world” was worth it.

“Look, I’ve spent the last twelve years looking for my wife’s real
killers,” he said. “I can use some of that energy to look for those jurors.”

Mr. Simpson said that in his new trial he would attempt to rekindle
nostalgic feelings among the jurors by wearing the same suit he wore
during the 1995 proceedings, adding, “If the suit does fit, they must
acquit.”

When asked what he plans to do if it proves impossible to reconstitute
his 1995 jury, he said, “I’ll settle for Phil Spector’s.”

As for his current scrape with the law, Mr. Simpson told reporters that
he had already learned a valuable lesson: “Next time I want sports
memorabilia, I’m going on eBay.”

Elsewhere, Starbucks said it will give away 50 million free digital
songs to its customers, but in keeping with Starbucks tradition, they
will not be the songs the customers ordered.

I hope Double Murderer Simpson gets the long term clink.
JR

HK wrote:


From my favorite comedian, Andy Borowitz:

O.J. Seeks His Old Jury
Launches Manhunt for ’95 Panel

Facing ten felony counts after his ill-fated attempt to acquire sports
memorabilia, O.J. Simpson announced today that he would attempt to
reassemble the jury that found him not guilty in his 1995 murder trial.

Speaking to reporters in Las Vegas, the former football star said he
would “spare no offense” to find the twelve jurors who set him free
twelve years ago.

“This current case is a very complicated once – maybe even trickier than
my murder trial,” Mr. Simpson told reporters. “It’s important that we
have a jury that really knows what they’re doing.”

Mr. Simpson acknowledged that it might be difficult to locate all twelve
of the jurors who found him innocent in 1995, but indicated that “all
the time and the effort in the world” was worth it.

“Look, I’ve spent the last twelve years looking for my wife’s real
killers,” he said. “I can use some of that energy to look for those
jurors.”

Mr. Simpson said that in his new trial he would attempt to rekindle
nostalgic feelings among the jurors by wearing the same suit he wore
during the 1995 proceedings, adding, “If the suit does fit, they must
acquit.”

When asked what he plans to do if it proves impossible to reconstitute
his 1995 jury, he said, “I’ll settle for Phil Spector’s.”

As for his current scrape with the law, Mr. Simpson told reporters that
he had already learned a valuable lesson: “Next time I want sports
memorabilia, I’m going on eBay.”

Elsewhere, Starbucks said it will give away 50 million free digital
songs to its customers, but in keeping with Starbucks tradition, they
will not be the songs the customers ordered.


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