"Shortwave Sportfishing" wrote in message
news
Winners never quit and quitters never win. But, if you never win AND
you never quit you're an idiot.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have
their shoes.

If I was ever in an elevator car that was dropped from a 747, I'd try
to jump just before we hit the ground. I wouldn't want to die without
saying I'd at least tried that.

My grandfather once told me that women like to be pursued. What he did
NOT tell me, the old *******, was that you shouldn't do so wearing a
ski mask and carrying a blood spattered shovel.

They say that a million monkeys working for a million years will
eventually produce the full text of Hamlet. But they'll never be able
to produce something as simple as a Star Trek script, because monkeys
cannot grasp the concept of the laser.

They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.
Yesterday, life came up and handed me a couple of kumquats and said
"good luck."

I think that when someone asks you "How they hangin?" you should be
allowed to drop your pants and check.

If starship full of aliens lands on the earth tomorrow, and they are
totally peaceful and want to be our friends, I hope they don't taste
like chicken because we already know what that tastes like.


Good ones!

More, this time from Steven Wright:

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in
my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire
area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it,
so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor,
then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall
that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick
that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a
letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he
was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun
when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay
C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a
lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps
on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that
is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I
said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys
in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the
escalator."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was
an only child........ eventually....."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces
on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...
you can't hear him talk."

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good...
He could go under a rug..."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob
a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the
money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire
trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ...
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy
them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the
door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building
started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too
fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I
drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told
all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't
you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone
has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I
don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one
mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all
night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my
eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are
furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on
the escalators.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it ****es
me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You
haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said
"the whole time".

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my
camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60
pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was
lightning in my house.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time
to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you
see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in
the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and
the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of
me -- and I didn't hear it.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of
it in only eight minutes...

I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious
because I brought a beach towel.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I
got some flip-up contact lenses.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the
speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be
out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car
goes 500 miles an hour.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the
radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65
pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning
in my house, so they called the cops.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be
going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The
weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees
today," and I said "Oops."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all
over the world.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I
never have to go upstairs.

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked
him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to
make a long story short..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they
mad!!

(Ad he did for a local student radio station Whenever I'm in Champaign, I
listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail
it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only
two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis.
He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I
realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything
in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my
roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced
with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that
when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said,
"Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my
analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the
problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said,
"Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a
bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like
Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My
name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called
'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
Spring.'

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed
'1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said,
"Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened,
two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and
said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got
into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang.
He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side
said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed
your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what
happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I
gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much
better...

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the
top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like
I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
leaving.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street,
except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them
to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like
an idiot.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight
Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

"Harry Krause" wrote in message


And where's the paperwork on that truck?


What truck?

Eisboch (starting to feel a deep kinship to Brian Wilson)

"Shortwave Sportfishing" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 22 Dec 2005 18:35:42 -0500, "Eisboch" wrote:



Now that is REALLY deep.


I was wondering if anyone understood.

Great minds .... you know ....

Eisboch

"Harry Krause" wrote in message
...
Eisboch wrote:
"Harry Krause" wrote in message


And where's the paperwork on that truck?


What truck?

Eisboch (starting to feel a deep kinship to Brian Wilson)


Why, the $2501 Ford diesel. I mailed the money off to your agent in
Nigeria.


Him again? SOB keeps raising his percentage too.

I'll have to get back to you .....


Eisboch

"Eisboch" wrote in message
news




er..................uh..............eh............ .huh..............OK.

Very deep.

"Shortwave Sportfishing" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 22 Dec 2005 19:36:03 -0500, "Eisboch" wrote:


"Harry Krause" wrote in message
...
Eisboch wrote:
"Harry Krause" wrote in message


And where's the paperwork on that truck?


What truck?

Eisboch (starting to feel a deep kinship to Brian Wilson)


Why, the $2501 Ford diesel. I mailed the money off to your agent in
Nigeria.

Him again? SOB keeps raising his percentage too.

I'll have to get back to you .....

I strung a guy along for about a month once - it was pretty funny
actually.

I pretended to be a 60 year old guy who was going senile and kept
forgetting stuff....

Um....

Never mind.

http://www.geocities.com/scamjokepage/

http://www.geocities.com/zenknight2002/