"Democratic leader Tom Daschle has been whining all over TV, saying
that Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts have been inciting
violence against Democrats. Which is illegal you know, attacking an
endangered species." —Jay Leno

"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight
different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code
name was Ted Kennedy." —Craig Kilborn

"Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years
old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'"
—David Letterman

"The Democrats have selected Boston, Massachusetts, as the sight of
their 2004 Democratic Convention. The convention will be held in
September. This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face
mathematical elimination together." —Jay Leno

"It's amazing how quickly the news changes. I mean it's hard to
believe just ten days ago we believed Osama Bin Laden was dead the
Democratic party was alive." —Jay Leno

"Because the election was such a disaster for the Democrats, it looks
like the leader of the party might be stepping down. But enough about
Barbra Streisand." —Jay Leno

"In Ohio, some people will be going to the polls to re-elect disgraced
Congressman James Trafficant, even though he's currently in prison. I
guess if he's a congressman and already in jail, it saves a step."
—Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Walter Fritz Mondale was officially nominated
by the Democratic party of Minnesota to replace Paul Wellstone on the
ballot. Look out Michael Jordan, Mondale is the new comeback kid.
Mondale became the party's top choice over the weekend after the
Democrats inadvertently set their clocks back to 1976." —Craig Kilborn