BoatBanter.com - OT Hey Hairball, Kerry is a Joke

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for
John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every
issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but
that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President
Bush can't name them either." —David Letterman

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign.
It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before
the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two
ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going
through his wife's purse." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month
until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If
Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating
an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which
one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked,
lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because
Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the
president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11
in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of
a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam
War." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy.
Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back?
See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country
club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's
like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already
planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats
finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the
sizzle." —Craig Kilborn

"Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and
hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is
math." —Conan O'Brien

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that
because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry
might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him."
—Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the
ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than
Paris Hilton." —David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so
friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end
up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly,
President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan
O'Brien

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the
presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now
is an Al Gore endorsement." —Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you
see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing
him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young
woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal,
a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"

"Over the weekend, John Kerry — the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on
— he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada.
And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again."
—David Letterman

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this?
Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I
would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit.
He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like
Switzerland and marry it." —Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has
come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said,
'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan
O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John
Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down
to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to
get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I
see him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the
rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?!
Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first
wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current
wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going
after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing
it!" —Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was
married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild,
Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a
Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have
fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine
months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry
said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's
going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said,
'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry
now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox
shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They
haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner,
that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this
week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should
have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a
sh--." —Bill Maher

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he
wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he
hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food
fortune." —Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well
is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even
got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is
strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is
obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." —Dennis Miller

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He
won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the
question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving,
donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not
moving is his hair." —Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of
the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another
five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the
presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale
who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy
from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy
from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game."
—Jay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry
would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush
called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by
apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized
for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan
O'Brien

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry
as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name — because
every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a
kid or not." —Jay Leno

"These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's
old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released
footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks
like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" —Bill Maher

"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really
want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" —David
Letterman

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is
running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he
didn't expect President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.'
Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore
expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for
president of the United States — and you thought John Kerry was using
four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four
letter word." —Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on
fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several
times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be
president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" —Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate
John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work
out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair
then she had." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But
the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be
sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been
very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev.
Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton
called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno