LOL. Where'd you get that? I was crying I was laughing so hard.
"Muslamian evildoers"



"Harry Krause" wrote in message
...
PRESIDENT BUSH ON MEET THE PRESS:
COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF OVAL OFFICE INTERVIEW CONDUCTED BY NBC'S TIM
RUSSERT

Official Transcript

MR RUSSERT: And we are in the Oval Office this morning with the
President of the United States. Mr. President, welcome back to Meet The
Press. I'm Tim Russert, the famously non-partisan journalist and fat boy
politician dismemberer, and I'll be giving you a free ride on the whole
Valerie Plame spy leak investigation today.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Timster!

MR RUSSERT: On Friday, you announced a committee, commission to look
into intelligence failures regarding the Iraq war and our entire
intelligence community. You have been reluctant to do that for some
time. Indeed, you always seem to shy away from having anything to do
with intelligence. Why?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, first let me kind of step back, squint, stick out
my little tongue a bit and ignore your question in favor of reciting the
lines I've been practicing for the last few days. Here goes...

Intelligence is a vital part of smartness, and smartness is needed for
serious thinking, but is sort of wasted on just everyday kind of
thinking used in domestic policy. It takes thinking thoughts for
fighting and winning our battle against the Muslamian evildoers. And
remember that this war is a crusade that will never end so long as my
handlers feel that its exploitation can help ensure that our iron grasp
on the levers of self-enriching power is eternal.

What I'm saying is, we need a good intelligenciary system. We need
really good intelligences. I mean, we really really really need the tops
intelligencernarians. So the commission I set up is to take a look-see
at how come there aren't any weapons in Iraq – especially since I
specifically told all those dweebies at the FBI and CIA that they had
better whip up intelligence good enough to give me a reason to waste
some serious raghead ass.

STOLEN! TOP-SECRET!
ON SALE EVERYWHERE!
(book information)
Republican Lady Things:
Bumper Sticker Sale:
It's like in the corporate world, Timmo: when you launch a product that
you know is snake oil simply to dupe the clueless masses and make
yourself filthy rich, well you'd better act all surprised when people
figure it out. Otherwise you'd be out of a seven-figure CEO position –
and if there were any justice in the world – spending your nights
spooning with a 300-pound cellmate nicknamed "Roto-Rooter."

MR RUSSERT: Prime Minister Blair has set up a similar commission in
Great Britain.

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, but it's OK. I told him he was allowed to do that.
After I asked him why that place there is still called, you know, Great
Britain.

MR RUSSERT: His is going to report back in July. Ours is not going to be
until March of 2005, five months after the presidential election.
Shouldn't the American people have the benefit of the commission before
the election?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, like we say back in Crawford – it don't pay to
hurry none. I'm appointing important folks to this commission,
Timmerooni, folks like Henry Kissinger, Oliver North, and James Baker.
Folks who don't just up and leave their old gigs unless the new one will
last long enough to pay out serious buckets of taxpayer cashola.

Besides, this is going to be a kind of a big picture look about the
intelligence gathering capacities of my administration, whether it be
the capacity to ignore North Korea for two years or the capacity to have
just found out about AQ Kahn. Pretty good name dropping there, eh? I
know lots of folks out there are wondering who AQ Kahn is. Well that's
OK, because until a few hours ago, I thought he was that real wrathful
Mr. Roarke guy from Star Trek II. But it turns out he's actually a Paki
fella who sold a whole bunch of nukeyular stuff to our enemies.

He is just one of the thousands of foreigners and issues I'm going to be
throwing into this inquiring hopper thingy. You see, the broader the
issues, the more fun we at the White House will have in stonewalling
requests for information. And if the focus of the panel is all huge,
soft and squishy, the less chance they have of zeroing in on any
particular lies, half-truths and made-up stuff coming from me or the
people who make me say stuff on a few important things like why all them
American service men went and got themselves killed and stuff.

Look, I know we are in a political season. I'm not surprised that people
are accurately pointing out the obvious fact that I'm doing everything I
can to avoid responsibility. But you know what? There is going to be
ample time for me to spend my $200 Million campaign war chest and
rewrite history between now and election day. For example, Karl told me
that every single president since Roosevelt has gotten a higher approval
rating score than Ronald Reagan - except my mentor Dick Nixon. But
thanks to being up to your flabby lady-tits in Peggy Noonan inspired
Republican propaganda, I bet you didn't know that. Everyone thinks
Ronnie was the most popular president ever. Got to name that damned
airport after the sucker. You see? No one bothers with the so-called
"truth" when we get through with buggering history. And when we do,
people will forget all about pesky "facts," and say that I made good
calls, that I used good judgmentation, and that I made the right
decision in killing all those people just to remove pathetic and
powerless Saddam Hussein from power. And I look forward to making all
that happen.

People need to remember that I'm a war president. I sit here in the Oval
Office with bloodthirsty revenge and killing on my mind. Because let’s
face it – war is less complicated than economics… or hunger… or even the
basic values America was built on. This war is more than a bunch of
conservative intellectuals and their happy-to-oblige President playing
chess with the lives of people they’ll never shop with at Wal-Mart or
buy a falafel from.

Let me repeat this because it is important and I'm running out of stuff
I memorized, the American people need to know they got a president who
sees the rest of the world for what it is – a little lump of dog poo
stuck in the tire tread of our Hummer. I artificially amplify all
dangers to ear-shattering levels, and even manufacture lots more that
don't even exist. Why? Because I care. America is a better, more
obedient place when everyone is crapping their Depends instead of
wondering where their next prescription pill is coming from. So we have
the CIA send someone Anthrax or Ricin when the news cycles are
perversely preoccupied with domestic failures. And I do it for your own
good. One day, hundreds of years from now, you’ll thank me.

MR RUSSERT: Will you testify before either this commission or the 9/11
Commission?

THE PRESIDENT: Perhaps, perhaps. I will be glad to visit with them. I
will be glad to share with them knowledge. I will be glad to make
recommendations, if they ask for some. In other words, barring a
subpoena and lengthy legal battle beforehand, "**** no."

MR RUSSERT: Senator Charles Grassley, a Republican, said he is
absolutely convinced we will capture Osama bin Laden before the election.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I don't appreciate Senator Grassley blabbing about
that. The "capture" is supposed to be a surprise. Besides which, until
we make that public, I don't want anyone wasting their time thinking
about the guy who was actually behind 9/11 when I've gone and created
this whole righteous quagmire in Iraqistan just so I could take out old
Saddam Hussein. I keep saying in my speeches, "Nine-Eleven/Iraq,
Nine-Eleven/Iraq, Nine-Eleven/Iraq." That's all people need to know
about Osamadama until such time as we pull him out of solitary at Camp
X-Ray and parade him in front of the cameras.

MR RUSSERT: The night you took the country to war against Iraq, March
17th, you said this: "intelligence gathered by our government leaves no
doubt that the Iraqastani regime continues to be unable to prove that it
has destroyed all those weapons Don Rumsfeld sold them in the 70's."

THE PRESIDENT: Right.

MR RUSSERT: Yet to date we have yet to find any weapons whatsoever.

THE PRESDIENT: Correct.

MR RUSSERT: How do you respond to critics who say that you brought the
nation to war under false pretenses?

THE PRESIDENT: I ignore them, and count on the fact that media people
like you will drop the story the next time a child is kidnapped or some
millionaire colored athlete thinks he can get away with having
consensual sex up the butt with a white girl.

But look, I really want people to think that I expected to find the
weapons. Sitting behind this desk dreaming up a reason to exact personal
vengeance on Saddam Hussein, I had to make the very difficult decision
to tell myself that nine months down the road, I'm going to have to keep
a straight face when I try to spin this whole cluster**** into a
question of "failed intelligence." Sure, I may feel the intense private
satisfaction of having given that sand monkey the super-smackdown, but I
can never let the rabble know that.

So listen up, Mr. Russet Potato – this is the story: "I based my
decision on the best intelligence possible. We were attacked. And Saddam
Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer. An
evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using."

MR RUSSERT: Then what should Americans make of David Kay's recent
statements?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, David Kay said there were no weapons stockpiles.
Hell, I knew that! What Americans should focus on though is that he said
Saddam had the ability to make weapons. That basically means he still
had enough fingers to concoct who-knows-what kind of devilish horrors.
Chemical weapons: he had the ability to pick up a can of Raid® Flea &
Tick Carpet Fogger and unleash a chemical holocaust upon anyone within a
20-foot radius. Bioweapons: he had the ability to leave a pound of
Tyson's chicken breasts on his kitchen counter for a few weeks and
threaten countless dinner guests with the bioterror of botulism!

MR RUSSERT: Mr. President, the Director of the CIA said that his
briefings had qualifiers and caveats, but when you spoke to the country,
you said "there is no doubt." When Vice President Cheney spoke to the
country, he said "there is no doubt." Secretary Powell, "no doubt."
Secretary Rumsfeld, "no doubt, we know where the weapons are." You said,
quote, "The Iraqi regime is a threat of unique urgency." "Saddam Hussein
is a threat that we must deal with as quickly as possible." You gave the
clear sense that this was an immediate threat that must be dealt with.

THE PRESIDENT: Let me say it again so that the idiots out there in
America can finally hear it, Timmo: ""I based my decision on the best
intelligence possible. We were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had
weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was
the intelligence I was using."

MR RUSSERT: But can you launch a preemptive war without ironclad,
absolute intelligence that he had weapons of mass destruction?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, let me take a step back for a second and say that I
based my decision on the best intelligence possible. We were attacked.
And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer.
An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: But it may have been wrong.

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure it was, but I based my decision on the best
intelligence possible. We were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had
weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was
the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: But there are lots of madmen in the world, Fidel Castro, in
Iran, in North Korea, in Burma, and yet we don't go in and take down
those governments.

THE PRESIDENT: Correct, and that's a legitimate question as to why we
like felt we needed to use force in Iraq and not in North Korea. And the
reason why I felt like we needed to use force in Iraq and not in North
Korea, because I based my decision on the best intelligence possible. We
were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous
madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: On Iraq, the vice president said, "we would be greeted as
liberators." It's now nearly a year, and we are in a very difficult
situation. Are you surprised by the level and intensity of resistance?

THE PRESIDENT: Off the record – well of course. Who ever would have
guessed that those people wouldn't have been throwing their turbans in
the air like a bunch of drunk Mexicans over being forced to trade one
dictator for another. Not me! You'd think they'd be use to having their
houses flattened and relatives killed for their own good!

NEVER acknowledging mistakes, Timmer. I mean, appointing this
"intelligence failures" commission is the closest I've ever come in my
whole life to admitting a mistake, and even then, I'm passing the buck
to a bunch of cubicle nerds who were just following my orders.

MR RUSSERT: If the Iraqis choose an Islamic extremist regime, would you
accept that, and would that be better for the United States than Saddam
Hussein?

THE PRESIDENT: They're not going to develop that. And the reason I can
say that is because I was installed in this office by America's McChrist
Industry, and since they're the ones who are pulling my puppet strings,
I think I'm speaking with a certain degree of authority when I say that
American is not going to rest until every last unsaved Islamian maggot
starts each day by wiping his ass with a page from the Koran. Besides,
we've done such a bang-up job of botching up the whole domestic scene
over there that we have ensured that any new Iraqi Ismaliac government
doesn't happen until after my re-election.

MR RUSSERT: You do seem to have changed your mind from the 2000
campaign. In a debate, you said, "I don't think our troops ought to be
used for what's called 'nation-building.'" But what we're doing in Iraq
right now is nation building.

THE PRESIDENT: You know Tim-job, if this was one of the ten measly press
conferences I've given so far during my presidency, this would be the
point where I say, "that's a trick question, and I'm not going to answer
it!"

MR RUSSERT: But this isn't a press conference. It's an interview that
you insisted be held here in the Oval Office – and be taped instead of
live.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I did.

MR RUSSERT: So is it or is it not nation building?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I suppose so, but we're also fighting a war, so I
personally prefer to focus on the nation demolition aspects of it. Those
parts involve way more guns and explosions and killing than the building
part – which if folks think about it too much, you're right, makes me
look like one hell of a hypocrite. So yeah, there's a little building,
but there's way more demolition. Because at the end of the day, we're
committed to bringing FREEDOM® to Iraqnia, even if we have to
exterminate every last Muslamian cockroach to do it.

MR RUSSERT: Now looking back, in your mind, has Iraq been worth the loss
of 530 American lives and 3,000 wounded?

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure, because that's what it took for me to whoop
Saddam Hussein. If I had to throw a bunch more working-class boys and
girls on the pile, it would be worth it for the warm feeling I get in my
gut – sort of like with Tequilla – just knowing I punked Saddam.

MR RUSSERT: Even though there were no weapons of mass destruction?

THE PRESIDENT: Well Not-So-Slim Tim, what's important to remember there
is that I based my decision on the best intelligence possible. We were
attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous madman.
A killer. An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: We are going to take a quick break.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank Christ. Do I have time for a nap?

(Halliburton Commercial)

MR RUSSERT: And we are back in the Oval Office talking to the President
of the United States. Mr. President, last week the chairman of the
Democratic National Committee, Terence McAuliffe, said "I look forward
to that debate when John Kerry, a war hero with a chest full of medals,
is standing next to George Bush, a man who was AWOL in the Alabama
National Guard." How do you respond?

THE PRESIDENT: I received an honorable discharge from the Guard.

MR RUSSERT: But were you in fact AWOL prior to your discharge?

THE PRESIDENT: I received an honorable discharge from the Guard.

MR RUSSERT: Some say that you only got into the Guard because your
father was a US Congressman at the time, and that your honorable
discharge was another example of the same special treatment. So if you
don't mind, would you answer whether or not you were ever AWOL?

THE PRESIDENT: I received an honorable discharge from the Guard in
Tennessee.

MR RUSSERT: Texas

THE PRESIDENT: Whatever. This is all politics is what this is – I've
answered this question before.

You see Tums, that's all I have to say. It's like back in 1999 when
people asked me about all that blow I used to do. I never denied it, I
just said "I have not used any illegal drugs since 1974." And years from
now, when people ask about whether I lied to justify a personal vendetta
war in Iraq, I'll say "I based my decision on the best intelligence
possible. We were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a
dangerous madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I
was using."

MR RUSSERT: Let me turn to the economy.

THE PRESIDENT: I keep saying the same thing every morning when I wake
up, but somehow there just aren't enough hours in my 5-hour day.

MR RUSSERT: The Bush-Cheney first three years, the unemployment rate has
gone up 33 percent, there has been a loss of 2.2 million jobs. We've
gone from a $281 billion surplus to a $521 billion deficit. The debt has
gone from 5.7 trillion, to $7 trillion, up 23 percent. Based on that
record, why should the American people rehire you as CEO?

THE PRESIDENT: Because if they don't, every last one of them will be
gruesomely murdered by terrorists. And won't they be irked when the
economy roars back to life and they can't go off with bags of money to
their local Radio Shack and buy all that great digital crap they need to
live in this day and age.

MR RUSSERT: When you proposed your first tax cut in 2001, you said this
was going to generate 800,000 new jobs. Your tax cut of 2003, create a
million new jobs. That has not happened.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, people are just going to have to decide then. Do
they want some dumb job and silly old food in their bellies, or do they
want them and their entire families – including their doggies and
kitties – to be slowly tortured to death by marauding throngs of
Islamian terrorists?

MR RUSSERT: The General Accounting Office, which are the nation's
auditors, have done a study of our finances. And this is what your
legacy will be to the next generation. It says that our "current fiscal
policy is unsustainable." They did a computer simulation that shows that
balancing the budget in 2040 could require either cutting total Federal
spending in half or doubling Federal taxes.

How, why, as a fiscal conservative as you like to call yourself, would
you allow a $500 billion deficit and this kind of deficit disaster?

THE PRESIDENT: Well Sasquatch, like a Ginsu knife my new budget cuts the
deficit in half in five years just as long as we have a Clinton-style
prosperous economy, this war ends up being free and America wins the
Publishers Clearing House thing every other second for the next 178 years

MR RUSSERT: But your base conservatives, and listen to Rush Limbaugh,
the Heritage Foundation, CATO Institute, they're all saying you are the
biggest spender in American history.

THE PRESIDENT: My new budget cuts the deficit in half in five years.

MR RUSSERT: But there's a broad bipartisan consensus that that's
impossible so long as you continue to cut taxes.

THE PRESIDENT: My new budget cuts the deficit in half in five years.

MR RUSSERT: RUSSERT: Tom Daschle, the Democratic Leader in the Senate,
said that you've changed the tone for the worse; that it's more
acrimonious, more confrontations, that you are the most partisan
political president he's ever worked with. Our exit polls of primary
voters, not just Democrats but Independents in South Carolina and New
Hampshire, more than 70 percent of them said they are angry or
dissatisfied with you, and they point to this whole idea of being a
uniter as opposed to a divider. Why do you think you are perceived as
such a divider?

THE PRESIDENT: Gosh, I just don't know. I'm working hard to unite the
country – except for the faggots and smarty-pants and tree-huggers and
Dummycraps, of course. And I don't speak ill of anybody in the process,
either.

As for Tom Daschle, let me just say that Tom Daschle is an asshole. No,
he's a pussy. Actually, he's equal parts asshole and pussy. You might
say he's a big taint. Come to think of it, that would explain why he's
always so glistening and shiny. His entire epidermis is taint.

MR RUSSERT: Biggest issues in the upcoming campaign?

THE PRESIDENT: Terror, terror, and more terror. That, and convincing
Henry and Harriet Hotpocket that married Faggachusetts lezbos will be
breaking into their homes and forcing their little Cindy Brady daughters
to munch acres and acres of skanky Rosie O'Donnell ****.

I look forward to a good campaign. I have shown the American people I
can remind them daily that we were attacked thirty months ago. I have
shown the American people I can sit here in the Oval Office when times
are tough and hold lots and lots of secret meetings, and I look forward
to articulatrating what I want to do the next four years when the
Supreme Court reinstalls me as their Divine Ruler.

RUSSERT: Mr. President, we thank you for sharing your views, and I hope
we could come back and talk about issues during the course of the
campaign.

BUSH: Thank you, Bug Eyes.
--
Email sent to is never read.

NOYB wrote:
LOL. Where'd you get that? I was crying I was laughing so hard.
"Muslamian evildoers"


Someone emailed it to me...I'm sure it is on a site somewhere..took a
lot of work.



"Harry Krause" wrote in message
...
PRESIDENT BUSH ON MEET THE PRESS:
COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF OVAL OFFICE INTERVIEW CONDUCTED BY NBC'S TIM
RUSSERT

Official Transcript

MR RUSSERT: And we are in the Oval Office this morning with the
President of the United States. Mr. President, welcome back to Meet The
Press. I'm Tim Russert, the famously non-partisan journalist and fat boy
politician dismemberer, and I'll be giving you a free ride on the whole
Valerie Plame spy leak investigation today.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Timster!

MR RUSSERT: On Friday, you announced a committee, commission to look
into intelligence failures regarding the Iraq war and our entire
intelligence community. You have been reluctant to do that for some
time. Indeed, you always seem to shy away from having anything to do
with intelligence. Why?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, first let me kind of step back, squint, stick out
my little tongue a bit and ignore your question in favor of reciting the
lines I've been practicing for the last few days. Here goes...

Intelligence is a vital part of smartness, and smartness is needed for
serious thinking, but is sort of wasted on just everyday kind of
thinking used in domestic policy. It takes thinking thoughts for
fighting and winning our battle against the Muslamian evildoers. And
remember that this war is a crusade that will never end so long as my
handlers feel that its exploitation can help ensure that our iron grasp
on the levers of self-enriching power is eternal.

What I'm saying is, we need a good intelligenciary system. We need
really good intelligences. I mean, we really really really need the tops
intelligencernarians. So the commission I set up is to take a look-see
at how come there aren't any weapons in Iraq – especially since I
specifically told all those dweebies at the FBI and CIA that they had
better whip up intelligence good enough to give me a reason to waste
some serious raghead ass.

STOLEN! TOP-SECRET!
ON SALE EVERYWHERE!
(book information)
Republican Lady Things:
Bumper Sticker Sale:
It's like in the corporate world, Timmo: when you launch a product that
you know is snake oil simply to dupe the clueless masses and make
yourself filthy rich, well you'd better act all surprised when people
figure it out. Otherwise you'd be out of a seven-figure CEO position –
and if there were any justice in the world – spending your nights
spooning with a 300-pound cellmate nicknamed "Roto-Rooter."

MR RUSSERT: Prime Minister Blair has set up a similar commission in
Great Britain.

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, but it's OK. I told him he was allowed to do that.
After I asked him why that place there is still called, you know, Great
Britain.

MR RUSSERT: His is going to report back in July. Ours is not going to be
until March of 2005, five months after the presidential election.
Shouldn't the American people have the benefit of the commission before
the election?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, like we say back in Crawford – it don't pay to
hurry none. I'm appointing important folks to this commission,
Timmerooni, folks like Henry Kissinger, Oliver North, and James Baker.
Folks who don't just up and leave their old gigs unless the new one will
last long enough to pay out serious buckets of taxpayer cashola.

Besides, this is going to be a kind of a big picture look about the
intelligence gathering capacities of my administration, whether it be
the capacity to ignore North Korea for two years or the capacity to have
just found out about AQ Kahn. Pretty good name dropping there, eh? I
know lots of folks out there are wondering who AQ Kahn is. Well that's
OK, because until a few hours ago, I thought he was that real wrathful
Mr. Roarke guy from Star Trek II. But it turns out he's actually a Paki
fella who sold a whole bunch of nukeyular stuff to our enemies.

He is just one of the thousands of foreigners and issues I'm going to be
throwing into this inquiring hopper thingy. You see, the broader the
issues, the more fun we at the White House will have in stonewalling
requests for information. And if the focus of the panel is all huge,
soft and squishy, the less chance they have of zeroing in on any
particular lies, half-truths and made-up stuff coming from me or the
people who make me say stuff on a few important things like why all them
American service men went and got themselves killed and stuff.

Look, I know we are in a political season. I'm not surprised that people
are accurately pointing out the obvious fact that I'm doing everything I
can to avoid responsibility. But you know what? There is going to be
ample time for me to spend my $200 Million campaign war chest and
rewrite history between now and election day. For example, Karl told me
that every single president since Roosevelt has gotten a higher approval
rating score than Ronald Reagan - except my mentor Dick Nixon. But
thanks to being up to your flabby lady-tits in Peggy Noonan inspired
Republican propaganda, I bet you didn't know that. Everyone thinks
Ronnie was the most popular president ever. Got to name that damned
airport after the sucker. You see? No one bothers with the so-called
"truth" when we get through with buggering history. And when we do,
people will forget all about pesky "facts," and say that I made good
calls, that I used good judgmentation, and that I made the right
decision in killing all those people just to remove pathetic and
powerless Saddam Hussein from power. And I look forward to making all
that happen.

People need to remember that I'm a war president. I sit here in the Oval
Office with bloodthirsty revenge and killing on my mind. Because let’s
face it – war is less complicated than economics… or hunger… or even the
basic values America was built on. This war is more than a bunch of
conservative intellectuals and their happy-to-oblige President playing
chess with the lives of people they’ll never shop with at Wal-Mart or
buy a falafel from.

Let me repeat this because it is important and I'm running out of stuff
I memorized, the American people need to know they got a president who
sees the rest of the world for what it is – a little lump of dog poo
stuck in the tire tread of our Hummer. I artificially amplify all
dangers to ear-shattering levels, and even manufacture lots more that
don't even exist. Why? Because I care. America is a better, more
obedient place when everyone is crapping their Depends instead of
wondering where their next prescription pill is coming from. So we have
the CIA send someone Anthrax or Ricin when the news cycles are
perversely preoccupied with domestic failures. And I do it for your own
good. One day, hundreds of years from now, you’ll thank me.

MR RUSSERT: Will you testify before either this commission or the 9/11
Commission?

THE PRESIDENT: Perhaps, perhaps. I will be glad to visit with them. I
will be glad to share with them knowledge. I will be glad to make
recommendations, if they ask for some. In other words, barring a
subpoena and lengthy legal battle beforehand, "**** no."

MR RUSSERT: Senator Charles Grassley, a Republican, said he is
absolutely convinced we will capture Osama bin Laden before the election.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I don't appreciate Senator Grassley blabbing about
that. The "capture" is supposed to be a surprise. Besides which, until
we make that public, I don't want anyone wasting their time thinking
about the guy who was actually behind 9/11 when I've gone and created
this whole righteous quagmire in Iraqistan just so I could take out old
Saddam Hussein. I keep saying in my speeches, "Nine-Eleven/Iraq,
Nine-Eleven/Iraq, Nine-Eleven/Iraq." That's all people need to know
about Osamadama until such time as we pull him out of solitary at Camp
X-Ray and parade him in front of the cameras.

MR RUSSERT: The night you took the country to war against Iraq, March
17th, you said this: "intelligence gathered by our government leaves no
doubt that the Iraqastani regime continues to be unable to prove that it
has destroyed all those weapons Don Rumsfeld sold them in the 70's."

THE PRESIDENT: Right.

MR RUSSERT: Yet to date we have yet to find any weapons whatsoever.

THE PRESDIENT: Correct.

MR RUSSERT: How do you respond to critics who say that you brought the
nation to war under false pretenses?

THE PRESIDENT: I ignore them, and count on the fact that media people
like you will drop the story the next time a child is kidnapped or some
millionaire colored athlete thinks he can get away with having
consensual sex up the butt with a white girl.

But look, I really want people to think that I expected to find the
weapons. Sitting behind this desk dreaming up a reason to exact personal
vengeance on Saddam Hussein, I had to make the very difficult decision
to tell myself that nine months down the road, I'm going to have to keep
a straight face when I try to spin this whole cluster**** into a
question of "failed intelligence." Sure, I may feel the intense private
satisfaction of having given that sand monkey the super-smackdown, but I
can never let the rabble know that.

So listen up, Mr. Russet Potato – this is the story: "I based my
decision on the best intelligence possible. We were attacked. And Saddam
Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer. An
evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using."

MR RUSSERT: Then what should Americans make of David Kay's recent
statements?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, David Kay said there were no weapons stockpiles.
Hell, I knew that! What Americans should focus on though is that he said
Saddam had the ability to make weapons. That basically means he still
had enough fingers to concoct who-knows-what kind of devilish horrors.
Chemical weapons: he had the ability to pick up a can of Raid® Flea &
Tick Carpet Fogger and unleash a chemical holocaust upon anyone within a
20-foot radius. Bioweapons: he had the ability to leave a pound of
Tyson's chicken breasts on his kitchen counter for a few weeks and
threaten countless dinner guests with the bioterror of botulism!

MR RUSSERT: Mr. President, the Director of the CIA said that his
briefings had qualifiers and caveats, but when you spoke to the country,
you said "there is no doubt." When Vice President Cheney spoke to the
country, he said "there is no doubt." Secretary Powell, "no doubt."
Secretary Rumsfeld, "no doubt, we know where the weapons are." You said,
quote, "The Iraqi regime is a threat of unique urgency." "Saddam Hussein
is a threat that we must deal with as quickly as possible." You gave the
clear sense that this was an immediate threat that must be dealt with.

THE PRESIDENT: Let me say it again so that the idiots out there in
America can finally hear it, Timmo: ""I based my decision on the best
intelligence possible. We were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had
weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was
the intelligence I was using."

MR RUSSERT: But can you launch a preemptive war without ironclad,
absolute intelligence that he had weapons of mass destruction?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, let me take a step back for a second and say that I
based my decision on the best intelligence possible. We were attacked.
And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer.
An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: But it may have been wrong.

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure it was, but I based my decision on the best
intelligence possible. We were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had
weapons. He's a dangerous madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was
the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: But there are lots of madmen in the world, Fidel Castro, in
Iran, in North Korea, in Burma, and yet we don't go in and take down
those governments.

THE PRESIDENT: Correct, and that's a legitimate question as to why we
like felt we needed to use force in Iraq and not in North Korea. And the
reason why I felt like we needed to use force in Iraq and not in North
Korea, because I based my decision on the best intelligence possible. We
were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous
madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: On Iraq, the vice president said, "we would be greeted as
liberators." It's now nearly a year, and we are in a very difficult
situation. Are you surprised by the level and intensity of resistance?

THE PRESIDENT: Off the record – well of course. Who ever would have
guessed that those people wouldn't have been throwing their turbans in
the air like a bunch of drunk Mexicans over being forced to trade one
dictator for another. Not me! You'd think they'd be use to having their
houses flattened and relatives killed for their own good!

NEVER acknowledging mistakes, Timmer. I mean, appointing this
"intelligence failures" commission is the closest I've ever come in my
whole life to admitting a mistake, and even then, I'm passing the buck
to a bunch of cubicle nerds who were just following my orders.

MR RUSSERT: If the Iraqis choose an Islamic extremist regime, would you
accept that, and would that be better for the United States than Saddam
Hussein?

THE PRESIDENT: They're not going to develop that. And the reason I can
say that is because I was installed in this office by America's McChrist
Industry, and since they're the ones who are pulling my puppet strings,
I think I'm speaking with a certain degree of authority when I say that
American is not going to rest until every last unsaved Islamian maggot
starts each day by wiping his ass with a page from the Koran. Besides,
we've done such a bang-up job of botching up the whole domestic scene
over there that we have ensured that any new Iraqi Ismaliac government
doesn't happen until after my re-election.

MR RUSSERT: You do seem to have changed your mind from the 2000
campaign. In a debate, you said, "I don't think our troops ought to be
used for what's called 'nation-building.'" But what we're doing in Iraq
right now is nation building.

THE PRESIDENT: You know Tim-job, if this was one of the ten measly press
conferences I've given so far during my presidency, this would be the
point where I say, "that's a trick question, and I'm not going to answer
it!"

MR RUSSERT: But this isn't a press conference. It's an interview that
you insisted be held here in the Oval Office – and be taped instead of
live.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, I did.

MR RUSSERT: So is it or is it not nation building?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I suppose so, but we're also fighting a war, so I
personally prefer to focus on the nation demolition aspects of it. Those
parts involve way more guns and explosions and killing than the building
part – which if folks think about it too much, you're right, makes me
look like one hell of a hypocrite. So yeah, there's a little building,
but there's way more demolition. Because at the end of the day, we're
committed to bringing FREEDOM® to Iraqnia, even if we have to
exterminate every last Muslamian cockroach to do it.

MR RUSSERT: Now looking back, in your mind, has Iraq been worth the loss
of 530 American lives and 3,000 wounded?

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure, because that's what it took for me to whoop
Saddam Hussein. If I had to throw a bunch more working-class boys and
girls on the pile, it would be worth it for the warm feeling I get in my
gut – sort of like with Tequilla – just knowing I punked Saddam.

MR RUSSERT: Even though there were no weapons of mass destruction?

THE PRESIDENT: Well Not-So-Slim Tim, what's important to remember there
is that I based my decision on the best intelligence possible. We were
attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a dangerous madman.
A killer. An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I was using.

MR RUSSERT: We are going to take a quick break.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank Christ. Do I have time for a nap?

(Halliburton Commercial)

MR RUSSERT: And we are back in the Oval Office talking to the President
of the United States. Mr. President, last week the chairman of the
Democratic National Committee, Terence McAuliffe, said "I look forward
to that debate when John Kerry, a war hero with a chest full of medals,
is standing next to George Bush, a man who was AWOL in the Alabama
National Guard." How do you respond?

THE PRESIDENT: I received an honorable discharge from the Guard.

MR RUSSERT: But were you in fact AWOL prior to your discharge?

THE PRESIDENT: I received an honorable discharge from the Guard.

MR RUSSERT: Some say that you only got into the Guard because your
father was a US Congressman at the time, and that your honorable
discharge was another example of the same special treatment. So if you
don't mind, would you answer whether or not you were ever AWOL?

THE PRESIDENT: I received an honorable discharge from the Guard in
Tennessee.

MR RUSSERT: Texas

THE PRESIDENT: Whatever. This is all politics is what this is – I've
answered this question before.

You see Tums, that's all I have to say. It's like back in 1999 when
people asked me about all that blow I used to do. I never denied it, I
just said "I have not used any illegal drugs since 1974." And years from
now, when people ask about whether I lied to justify a personal vendetta
war in Iraq, I'll say "I based my decision on the best intelligence
possible. We were attacked. And Saddam Hussein once had weapons. He's a
dangerous madman. A killer. An evildoer. And that was the intelligence I
was using."

MR RUSSERT: Let me turn to the economy.

THE PRESIDENT: I keep saying the same thing every morning when I wake
up, but somehow there just aren't enough hours in my 5-hour day.

MR RUSSERT: The Bush-Cheney first three years, the unemployment rate has
gone up 33 percent, there has been a loss of 2.2 million jobs. We've
gone from a $281 billion surplus to a $521 billion deficit. The debt has
gone from 5.7 trillion, to $7 trillion, up 23 percent. Based on that
record, why should the American people rehire you as CEO?

THE PRESIDENT: Because if they don't, every last one of them will be
gruesomely murdered by terrorists. And won't they be irked when the
economy roars back to life and they can't go off with bags of money to
their local Radio Shack and buy all that great digital crap they need to
live in this day and age.

MR RUSSERT: When you proposed your first tax cut in 2001, you said this
was going to generate 800,000 new jobs. Your tax cut of 2003, create a
million new jobs. That has not happened.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, people are just going to have to decide then. Do
they want some dumb job and silly old food in their bellies, or do they
want them and their entire families – including their doggies and
kitties – to be slowly tortured to death by marauding throngs of
Islamian terrorists?

MR RUSSERT: The General Accounting Office, which are the nation's
auditors, have done a study of our finances. And this is what your
legacy will be to the next generation. It says that our "current fiscal
policy is unsustainable." They did a computer simulation that shows that
balancing the budget in 2040 could require either cutting total Federal
spending in half or doubling Federal taxes.

How, why, as a fiscal conservative as you like to call yourself, would
you allow a $500 billion deficit and this kind of deficit disaster?

THE PRESIDENT: Well Sasquatch, like a Ginsu knife my new budget cuts the
deficit in half in five years just as long as we have a Clinton-style
prosperous economy, this war ends up being free and America wins the
Publishers Clearing House thing every other second for the next 178 years

MR RUSSERT: But your base conservatives, and listen to Rush Limbaugh,
the Heritage Foundation, CATO Institute, they're all saying you are the
biggest spender in American history.

THE PRESIDENT: My new budget cuts the deficit in half in five years.

MR RUSSERT: But there's a broad bipartisan consensus that that's
impossible so long as you continue to cut taxes.

THE PRESIDENT: My new budget cuts the deficit in half in five years.

MR RUSSERT: RUSSERT: Tom Daschle, the Democratic Leader in the Senate,
said that you've changed the tone for the worse; that it's more
acrimonious, more confrontations, that you are the most partisan
political president he's ever worked with. Our exit polls of primary
voters, not just Democrats but Independents in South Carolina and New
Hampshire, more than 70 percent of them said they are angry or
dissatisfied with you, and they point to this whole idea of being a
uniter as opposed to a divider. Why do you think you are perceived as
such a divider?

THE PRESIDENT: Gosh, I just don't know. I'm working hard to unite the
country – except for the faggots and smarty-pants and tree-huggers and
Dummycraps, of course. And I don't speak ill of anybody in the process,
either.

As for Tom Daschle, let me just say that Tom Daschle is an asshole. No,
he's a pussy. Actually, he's equal parts asshole and pussy. You might
say he's a big taint. Come to think of it, that would explain why he's
always so glistening and shiny. His entire epidermis is taint.

MR RUSSERT: Biggest issues in the upcoming campaign?

THE PRESIDENT: Terror, terror, and more terror. That, and convincing
Henry and Harriet Hotpocket that married Faggachusetts lezbos will be
breaking into their homes and forcing their little Cindy Brady daughters
to munch acres and acres of skanky Rosie O'Donnell ****.

I look forward to a good campaign. I have shown the American people I
can remind them daily that we were attacked thirty months ago. I have
shown the American people I can sit here in the Oval Office when times
are tough and hold lots and lots of secret meetings, and I look forward
to articulatrating what I want to do the next four years when the
Supreme Court reinstalls me as their Divine Ruler.

RUSSERT: Mr. President, we thank you for sharing your views, and I hope
we could come back and talk about issues during the course of the
campaign.

BUSH: Thank you, Bug Eyes.
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