You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend."

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of
bitches."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert
and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism
in America.

You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending
a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps,
when they don't even have shoes