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Bush Kills Turkey, Pardons Tom DeLay
In a departure from White House tradition, the president shakes up
Thanksgiving ceremony
WEB-EXCLUSIVE COMMENTARY
By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 11:57 a.m. ET Nov. 23, 2004

Nov. 23 - President George W. Bush broke with White House tradition
today, killing the ceremonial White House turkey and pardoning House
Majority Leader Tom DeLay instead.

The reporters and busloads of school children who had gathered on the
White House lawn to see the president pardon this year's turkey, named
Biscuits, were surprised to hear Bush adopt a hard-line stance toward
the bird.

"I have political capital, and I intend to spend it—first by killing,
and then by eating, this delectable turkey," Bush announced to the
stunned onlookers, who watched as Biscuits was dragged away by two burly
Secret Service agents.

Bush then said that he would use his traditional Thanksgiving pardon to
free DeLay should he be indicted for political corruption charges in
Texas, and then paraded the Texas congressman across the lawn to
complete the festive holiday ceremony.

Jenny Colver, 11, of Silver Spring, Md., expressed a view shared my many
who witnessed the history-making event: "He pardoned the wrong turkey."

As news of the Thanksgiving-themed reprieve spread, some in Washington
argued that the president's pardoning of the House Majority Leader was
unnecessary, since House Republicans already passed a law last week
declaring DeLay an endangered species.

But White House spokesman Scott McClellan defended the president's
action as in keeping with the holiday spirit: "This holiday is all about
giving thanks, and right now Tom DeLay is extremely thankful that
Republicans are calling the shots."

Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced his
resignation today but said he had "no specific information" about when
or where his resignation would take place.

Andy Borowitz is the author of The Borowitz Report, and the winner of
the National Press Club's humor award. For more, go to borowitzreport.com.
© 2004 Newsweek, Inc.