Charles Manson Denied Parole, Effectively Ending His Bid for Republican
Presidential Nomination, Clears Path for Romney

KINGS COUNTY, CA – Serial killer Charles Manson was denied parole
yesterday, effectively ending his bid for the 2012 Republican
presidential nomination.

With Mr. Manson no longer a contender, the path appears to be clear for
former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney to become the party’s nominee.

Perhaps in recognition of this development, Mr. Romney unveiled a new
campaign slogan today: “Sorry, But You Have No Other Choices Now.”

As for the rest of the GOP field, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick
Santorum suspended his campaign this week, saying that he wanted “to
spend more time with the voices in my head.”

And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich wrote a $500 check on an account
that had no money in it, in the first sign that he might be qualified to
be President.

Elsewhere, a Fox News spokesman blasted a mole who had previously worked
for the network: “At Fox News we have zero tolerance for someone who
tells the truth.”

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Andy Borowitz