November 25, 2011
In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy ****
Pepper Spraying, Homicide Bullish Indicators, Economists Say

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – In what economists are hailing as a
clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed
into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless
****.

“We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend,”
said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the
University of Minnesota. “When people resort to homicide to buy a
Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed.”

Mr. Logsdon said he was “impressed” by the lengths to which some Walmart
customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics
we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a
shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter
a Walmart unarmed.

“If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you’d better have a
firearm,” he said. “Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great
doorbusters on firearms.”

Walmart and other retailers’ decision to commence their Black Friday
sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he
noted: “Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier.”

All in all, Dr. Logsdon said that the increased violence and mayhem at
retail outlets across the country was “a testament to the greatness of
the American consumer.”

“Egyptians risk their lives for new government,” he said. “Americans
bravely do the same for new flat screens.”

--
http://flickr.com/gp/hakr/8272ug