[jps]

MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report) - In yet another public relations
setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today
said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing "unsafe
working conditions."

"If Carnival thinks that it's going to be business as usual between
them and the Somali pirates, they need to have their heads examined,"
said Somali pirate spokesman Sugule. "We Somali pirates may be bold,
but we're not crazy."

The pirate said that the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise
ship Carnival Splendor "has sent a shiver through the pirate
community."

"We Somali pirates face enough risks without dealing with decks
bursting into flames," he said. "And don't get me started on the
nonfunctioning toilets."

When asked if the Somali pirates might attempt to board Carnival ships
in the future, he responded, "I am telling me hearties that if they
were thinking of pillaging a Carnival ship of its booty over the
holidays, they should make alternative plans."

Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, said that the
company "would be working overtime to win back the pirates' trust."

In the meantime, Ms. Foyler said, Carnival would be unveiling a new
slogan in the weeks to come: "Come for the fun, stay for the raging
inferno."