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"Secular Humanist" wrote in message
...
In article ,
says...

"Secular Humanist" wrote in message
...
In article ,

says...

"John H" wrote in message
...
This is probably going to earn 'racist' or 'moron' names from some
of
our
more
illustrious members, but what the hell....

Cats and Pills - How to do It!

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth
and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat
opens
mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left
arm
and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear
paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth
with
right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and
rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly
with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down
ruler
and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make
note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines
and
vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's
mouth
open with pencil, insert straw down cat's throat, and blow down
drinking
straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one
beer
to
take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm, and remove blood
from
carpet
with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another
beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing.
Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold
compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply
whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree
across
the
road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine
and
bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed.
Push
pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about
it.
Hold
head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes
pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new
table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local
pet
shop to
see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

--
John H

All decisions are the result of binary thinking.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You're as dumb as they come.

Can you point to the part where anybody said the opposite?

Can you point to the moron in your room? Hint: Use the mirror.

Three posts read by you. Calling someone a moron all three times. Hmmm,
are you projecting perhaps?

Are you a moron? Yes. Just stating fact.

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