Superman: Back From Another Galaxy to Rape Your Girlfriend and Destroy Your
Family
Look -- up in the sky! It's Jesus! It's His Daddy! No, it's just some crazy
homo in his underwear!

Pastor's Film Review

Friends, this afternoon I wasted over two perfectly good golfing hours at
the AMC Christian Mall 74 watching Superman Returns. I have to say up front
that the only redeeming feature in this entire movie is that it provides a
refreshingly candid "coming attractions" preview of what Heaven is going to
look like. By that I mean that although the theater was full of cheering
negroes jabbering into their stolen Razr cell phones, there was not a single
colored person in the entire film. As angry Moses on the mountain is my
witness, not a one! I'd like to salute the movie makers for following
Barbara Walters' lead and firing every colored face in sight. For, as we
know, during the original time of Superman, there were only a handful of
blacks in the country, so in this regard the writers maintained the
authenticity of that once near-perfect world. Regrettably, my satisfaction
in seeing affirmative action blown into smithereens was fleeting, for there
seems to be something even more powerful than a locomotive in America:
political correctness. You see, Superman is now fighting for "truth and
justice" instead of "the American way." I remember a time when he used to
fight for all three. Now, I realize that after the O.J. trial, weapons of
mass destruction, Abu Ghraib and the Gitmo Concentration Camp, those three
things may now be inconsistent, but if Superman had to choose, he should
have gone with Old Glory!

Friends, the whole premise of this movie will rankle any person of faith. As
True ChristiansT, we only believe in one flying superhero. And He doesn't
wear a skimpy bikini -- Superman's is so tight you can see if his genital
herpes is in remission. And He doesn't wear a cape, flouncing around like
the notorious homosexuals Salvador Dali or Oscar Wilde. No, our cloud
dwelling hero wears a simple, modest robe. The fact that He wears absolutely
nothing underneath is only His business -- and those upward-looking folks
flying below Him as they are raptured to Glory. It is most certainly
nothing He shows off by hovering around making sure everyone in town can get
an eyeful. Our hero's name? His name is Jesus Christ, and he will not be
mocked -- or dressed to look like a ballerina. I believe this film mocks
Jesus Christ in countless ways (I gave up after #107). There are dozens of
scenes where we see this so-called "Superman" mocking our Lord's death on
the cross by slumping his body like a crucified clown in a flashy blue
outfit as he looks down upon the Earth with a tear in his eye. That ought to
make your blood boil as a believer! I yelled out, Shame on you! Go kill
yourself for me and then we'll talk, Mr. Cry Baby Fake Savior! at the top of
my Godly lungs every time such scenes were depicted!

I hear through the reliable whispers in our Christian grapevine that the
homosexual community has adopted this Superman hero as their new mascot.
Knowing this, I was on the lookout for any tell-tale signs of tomfoolery. I
noticed that if you pay very close attention to the caped crusader, when his
cape is lifted - you can see that his buttocks are hardened with muscle in
such a way that the crease of his fancy little outfit rides into the crack
of his fanny so deep that I had to close my eyes in fear that I might be
lured into some form of ungodly lust. I just thank God that viewers were
spared any scenes of sodomy in the elevator between Jimmy Olson and Clark
Kent, although it was obvious enough to this man of God what was going on
between those two during office hours. My guess is that the openly gay
director of this film, has added that footage to his private collection.

I don't doubt that the homosexual community is going to love this movie. In
addition to being able to watch a muscle man wear his underwear on the
outside and go through more leotards in a week than the Bolshoi Ballet, it
also glorifies the moral decay of the traditional American family. We know
that Superman fornicated with Lois Lane roughly five years before he
returned from his home in Uranus, or whatever they are calling it. His sperm
also appears to be faster than a speeding bullet, as the result of that
fornication produced a child out of wedlock, a whimpering little sissy boy
with long hair, no less. And the writers of the film fail to address the
immoral nature of this relationship, other than to say that Superman will
"be around," to care for the child. Well, for a movie devoid of colored
folks, Superman sure does act like an authentic black man when faced with a
little bundle of burping, popping responsibility. They may as well call him
"Superbabydaddy" because a real man marries a woman before he deserts her! I
wonder how many other children he'll father out of wedlock in the films to
come. He'll probably leave a trail of orphans addicted to that drug
kryptonite littered all over this otherwise uninhabited Universe.

After watching this film, I do hereby ban all Church members from seeing it.
If you have any questions about the movie, you may make an appointment with
me and we can discuss your concerns in the privacy of my office. If I am
out golfing, please leave a message with the church secretary and we can
schedule a time when it is convenient for me.