Cheney Accident Triggers
Jokes on Late-Night TV

By BROOKS BARNES
February 14, 2006 8:42 a.m.

For TV comics, it's a target so big and so attractive that few will
resist taking their shot.

Vice President Dick Cheney was already the butt of jokes on the
late-night TV circuit for his brooding public persona, ardent
support for the war in Iraq and his powerful role in the Bush White
House. Even his heart condition was the constant object of monologue
material. But with news that the vice president accidentally shot
and injured a friend while hunting on a Texas ranch over the
weekend, Mr. Cheney is destined to become a late-night legend.

Writers for programs from "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" on
Comedy Central to "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" on NBC were
overflowing with jokes related to the shooting on Monday. Rarely has
a political figure as prominent as Mr. Cheney served himself up on a
such a platter. Several writers likened the mishap to Bill Clinton's
affair with Monica Lewinsky in terms of comic fertility.

The timing couldn't have been worse, however, for NBC: Due to
Olympics coverage, a new episode of "Saturday Night Live" won't air
until March 4.

Below, a sampling of jokes from the monologues from Monday episodes
of various late-night programs.

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)

"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of
mass * It's Dick Cheney."

* * *

"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

* * *

"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more
American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"

* * *

"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big
Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads
of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

* * *

From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the
guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me."

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)

A partial transcript:

Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the
weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot
a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making
78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP
since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of
honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken
for a bird.

* * *

The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine
Armstrong.

Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice
president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of
your car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands
could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C
and silenced my sub-*"

* * *

Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at
the bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line
of fire and got peppered pretty well."

Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington,
seasoned to within an inch of his life.

* * *

Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms
mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate
situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his
decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best
intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush.
Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even
knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr.
Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for
his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr.
Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not
a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect
their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the
face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how
the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot
farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how'
we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at
us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they * coo .. they're cooing
at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our
plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice
president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are
already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as
a * to get him some sort of mask."

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)

Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit
78, kablamo."

* * *

"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got
shipped to the troops."

* * *

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and
shoots an old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)

"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East
has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick
Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

* * *

"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

* * *

"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call
domestic wire tapping illegal?' "

* * *

"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know
that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot
him?"

* * *

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the
guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the
White House since Bill Clinton."

--
Capt. JG @@
www.sailnow.com

Good one's Jon. Thanks.

"Jonathan Ganz" wrote

Cheney Accident Triggers
Jokes on Late-Night TV

By BROOKS BARNES
February 14, 2006 8:42 a.m.

For TV comics, it's a target so big and so attractive that few will
resist taking their shot.

Vice President Dick Cheney was already the butt of jokes on the
late-night TV circuit for his brooding public persona, ardent
support for the war in Iraq and his powerful role in the Bush White
House. Even his heart condition was the constant object of monologue
material. But with news that the vice president accidentally shot
and injured a friend while hunting on a Texas ranch over the
weekend, Mr. Cheney is destined to become a late-night legend.

Writers for programs from "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" on
Comedy Central to "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" on NBC were
overflowing with jokes related to the shooting on Monday. Rarely has
a political figure as prominent as Mr. Cheney served himself up on a
such a platter. Several writers likened the mishap to Bill Clinton's
affair with Monica Lewinsky in terms of comic fertility.

The timing couldn't have been worse, however, for NBC: Due to
Olympics coverage, a new episode of "Saturday Night Live" won't air
until March 4.

Below, a sampling of jokes from the monologues from Monday episodes
of various late-night programs.

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)

"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of
mass * It's Dick Cheney."

* * *

"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

* * *

"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more
American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"

* * *

"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big
Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads
of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

* * *

From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the
guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me."

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)

A partial transcript:

Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the
weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot
a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making
78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP
since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of
honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken
for a bird.

* * *

The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine
Armstrong.

Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice
president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of
your car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands
could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C
and silenced my sub-*"

* * *

Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at
the bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line
of fire and got peppered pretty well."

Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington,
seasoned to within an inch of his life.

* * *

Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms
mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate
situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his
decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best
intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush.
Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even
knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr.
Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for
his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr.
Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not
a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect
their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the
face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how
the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot
farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how'
we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at
us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they * coo .. they're cooing
at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our
plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice
president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are
already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as
a * to get him some sort of mask."

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)

Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit
78, kablamo."

* * *

"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got
shipped to the troops."

* * *

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and
shoots an old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)

"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East
has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick
Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

* * *

"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

* * *

"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call
domestic wire tapping illegal?' "

* * *

"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know
that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot
him?"

* * *

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the
guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the
White House since Bill Clinton."

--
Capt. JG @@
www.sailnow.com