American Injuns:
The First Terrorists

Thanksgiving: Honoring Our First Fallen

Long before America was attacked by Muslamiacs on September 11, 2001,
Baptists recall a time when our dear, Godly ancestors also endured brutal
slaughter by terrorist vermin on this very same land. You see, when God sent
his followers to claim America as the new Canaan, He neglected to mention it
would be filled with millions of lazy Injuns. These savage "squatters," as
we've come to call them here at Landover Baptist Church, then had the
unmitigated audacity to defy the kindly eviction notices served upon them by
God's blue-eyed chosen people. Instead, they terrorized our peaceful
ancestors, raping their livestock and engaging in nefarious espionage to
steal the smallpox virus for their own selfish purposes.

Nevertheless, our Christian ancestors persevered. And it is for this reason
that each November we observe "Thanksgiving" - as a time to "thank" God for
"giving" America to people who deserved it much more than the first
terrorists: the Injuns.

Injuns and Arabs: Comparing the Roots of Terror

One doesn't have to look too hard to see how similar the indigenous
terrorists our American ancestors righteously exterminated are to the foul
Arabiac terrorists our Christian nation is eliminating today. Both are dark
completed - one red-butted, one negro-lite - and are cursed with jet black
hair. Both terrorists are nomadic in nature, and prefer fighting in
sweltering, arid places - clear evidence of their alliance with demons, who
are accustomed to the heat of hellfire. Both are tent dwellers (one prefers
a tee-pee made of deer skin and human scalps, the other a lean-too made of
shaved human groin hair and goat feces. Both terrorists are uneducated,
uncivilized, and speak in elaborate gibberish languages. Both resent the
progress God's chosen people (True ChristiansT) have made in the world, and
direct their jealous hatred toward the one True ReligionT, Christianity.
Both types of terrorists dress in rags and conceal their filthy hair beneath
elaborate terrorist doo-rags: Injuns make theirs with feathers, while
Muslims spin toilet paper cocoons called "turbans"). Both rejoice in the
slaughter of American citizens.

An End to the First War on Terror

Whether it was with bottoms full of buckshot or bottles drained of booze,
the debate still rages as to how our ancestors defeated these first Injun
terrorists. We can only thank God that they were defeated, and America is a
better country because of it. It should harden our resolve in our faith
that our Godly President Bush can and WILL defeat the terrorists of today!
Landover Baptist Church members are reminded during this time of
Thanksgiving that while the cease-fire with Injuns is still technically in
effect, that is no reason to EVER forego the offerings of our Godly Bingo
parlors in favor of any sickening, sinful Injun casino.

Our pastors encourage you to use this Christian holiday time to be thankful
for the blood-soaked efforts our forefathers made on your behalf in fighting
America's first terrorists so that you can pass a lovely Thanksgiving
afternoon with your family, enjoying the pleasures of Butterball turkeys and
televised professional football.

Amen!