Teacher Learns It's Not Pornographic Smut If It's From the Bible!

The Passion That Knew No Bounds, a short story written by Landover Baptist
School for the Vouchered and Saved senior high student, Truman Vidal
(pictured right), found its way into the principal's office earlier this
week. Truman's teacher, Miss Marcia Blaine, was so scandalized by his racy,
salacious prose that she crushed the essay into a tight ball and crammed it
down Truman's throat during class, screaming "I will not have pornographic
filth in my Christian classroom!" as cheering students looked on. Miss
Blaine then asked Principal Hargraves to expel Truman for violating School
Rule 1834(b)ii 9 ("Thou shalt not write anything that would make the Lord
Jesus squirm with discomfort.")

A heated argument then erupted between the boy and his teacher about the
content of the essay, which Principal Hargraves felt he was powerless to
resolve until 14 hours later when the school nurse, armed with a spatula and
plastic cafeteria fork, assisted Truman in passing the offending document
into a Ziploc bag. Once the essay was carefully uncrumpled and wiped off a
bit, Principal Hargraves, wearing hot pink Playtex gloves, read "The Passion
That Knew No Bounds." It was clearly pornography that knew no taste and fit
in seamlessly with the filth that smeared the pages and filled every crease.

What bothered Mr. Hargraves the most in reading the disgusting story, aside
from the pungent aroma, was not the unwelcome tingling in his groin, but the
confounding feeling of déjà vu he experienced while perusing each
disgusting, degenerate line. "As someone who has never, ever read a word of
secular pornography," said Mr. Hargrave, "I found the sense that I had read
all of this foully deranged smut before very disconcerting. It was only
after I talked to Brother Harry Hardwick that I understood why Truman's
immoral garbage was familiar." After finishing the story, Principal
Hargraves phoned Brother Harry Hardwick, Landover's top Biblical scholar,
who holds the record for reciting all of the Bible's genealogies backwards
in less than an hour at the VII Annual Soulwinner's Olympics. Eschewing an
offer to send the essay over via personal messenger, Hardwick instead
requested that Truman's essay be faxed to his office so he could examine it
at his Christian leisure.

After close scrutiny, Brother Hardwick discovered that the X-rated work was
based completely on Bible verses. "I have explained on numerous occasions,
the Bible is one of the most salacious works ever written," Brother Harry
later told the school board. "But we are compelled by the Lord to accept it,
as the goings-on of harlots and whore-hoppers is clearly something that our
Creator is into - big time. That is the only reason this disgusting garbage
was familiar to the principal - the good Lord wrote all of it in a book Mr.
Hargrave has been reading since he was old enough to wipe himself.."

Brother Hardwick suggested that young Truman insert footnotes into the
story, to reveal the Biblical source of each passage. "I would then insist
that Miss Blaine change the F to a D-. While the boy should be rewarded for
turning to the Holy Bible for inspiration - even for gratuitous
pornography -- to reel off a litany of immoral carnal shenanigans is
nothing short of plagiarizing the Lord's hard work. Nobody should take the
fruits of the Almighty's shockingly smutty imagination and pass it off as
their own porn. "

Amen!!!!!!!!!