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Anyone know any good Texan jokes?
Post them if you got them!
Amen! Bob Crantz |
Joe's view of the world:
YOU AIN'T FROM TEXAS IF: 1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside." 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! 3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits. 5. You don't know what moon pie is. 6. You've never had an RC cola. 7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. 8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. 10. You have no idea what a polecat is. 11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 12. You don't have bangs. 13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. 18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show. 19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. 20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway. 22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. 24. You call binoculars opera glasses. 25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 27. You don't know what applique is. 28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizab eth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.) 29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. 31. You can do your laundry without quarters. 32. None of your fur coats are homemade. OzOne wrote in message ... On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz" scribbled thusly: Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz Joe. Oz1...of the 3 twins. I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you. |
"Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net... Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz The Bull and The Blonde Two Texas sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch." "I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "Comfortable". The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly. "com-for-da-bull". |
Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig?
A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. OzOne wrote in message ... On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz" scribbled thusly: Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz Joe. Oz1...of the 3 twins. I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you. |
"Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net... Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz Here's one that might give you pause. It indicates that liberals might not have to burn forever on the lava lakes. Texans in Heaven Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning." |
On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
wrote this crap: Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz Do you know how to tell which Texan has the smallest penis? The one with the largest belt buckle. Pathetic Earthlings! No one can save you now! |
On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:53:14 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
wrote this crap: Joe's view of the world: YOU AIN'T FROM TEXAS IF: 1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside." 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! You never kept worms in your fridge. Pathetic Earthlings! No one can save you now! |
Pretty funny from a guy who lives where everyone drives around in
full-sized Cadillacs with non-cancelling turn signals and self-riding brakes. Someone who can manage 30 bingo cards but is confused by 1 punch card. And I hear your lottery gives you 6 chances to pick one number between 0 and 9 Joe |
Was *that* supposed to be funny?
LP "Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net... Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig? A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. OzOne wrote in message ... On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz" scribbled thusly: Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz Joe. Oz1...of the 3 twins. I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you. |
"Horvath" wrote in message You never kept worms in your fridge. Hell, we do that up here in Michigan. Max |
"Bob Crantz" wrote in message
Post them if you got them! So this Texan walks into a Harvard classroom and says, "'scuse me sir, where's the library at?" The Harvard Prof replies, "Here at Harvard University, sir, we do not end a sentence with a preposition!" And the Texan replies, "My apologies! Where's the library at, asshole?" Scout |
On Thu, 20 Jan 2005 05:47:06 GMT, "Maxprop"
wrote this crap: "Horvath" wrote in message You never kept worms in your fridge. Hell, we do that up here in Michigan. Everyone does it. Pathetic Earthlings! No one can save you now! |
That's a knee slapper if I ever heard one!
Want to hear another? Amen! Bob Crantz "Lady Pilot" wrote in message news:pmHHd.62817$F25.11637@okepread07... Was *that* supposed to be funny? LP "Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net... Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig? A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. OzOne wrote in message ... On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz" scribbled thusly: Post them if you got them! Amen! Bob Crantz Joe. Oz1...of the 3 twins. I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you. |
Scout wrote:
"Bob Crantz" wrote in message Post them if you got them! So this Texan walks into a Harvard classroom and says, "'scuse me sir, where's the library at?" The Harvard Prof replies, "Here at Harvard University, sir, we do not end a sentence with a preposition!" And the Texan replies, "My apologies! Where's the library at, asshole?" Scout There's nothing wrong with ending a sentence with a preposition. Or, as Winston Churchill said when an editor re-wrote his preposition ended sentence, "This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." |
That's the funniest thing in this group for a long time!
Lady Pilot wrote: Was *that* supposed to be funny? LP "Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net... Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig? A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. |
"Jeff Morris" wrote in message
... Scout wrote: "Bob Crantz" wrote in message Post them if you got them! So this Texan walks into a Harvard classroom and says, "'scuse me sir, where's the library at?" The Harvard Prof replies, "Here at Harvard University, sir, we do not end a sentence with a preposition!" And the Texan replies, "My apologies! Where's the library at, asshole?" Scout There's nothing wrong with ending a sentence with a preposition. Or, as Winston Churchill said when an editor re-wrote his preposition ended sentence, "This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." I agree, sort of. Scout |
Yeah...you ever leave worms out in there container in the heat? They turn
to worm soup really fast....it's also easier to thread cold worms on then when they're squishy and warm...and they don't wiggle as much... "Maxprop" wrote in message ink.net... "Horvath" wrote in message You never kept worms in your fridge. Hell, we do that up here in Michigan. Max |
I thought it was funny, too...
"Jeff Morris" wrote in message ... That's the funniest thing in this group for a long time! Lady Pilot wrote: Was *that* supposed to be funny? LP "Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net... Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig? A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. |
The most obvious ... George Bush.
Rick |
"Bob Crantz" wrote: That's a knee slapper if I ever heard one! Want to hear another? Nah, that's okay, I'll pass. Here's one for you... Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A. Because even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions. LP |
wrote: On Fri, 21 Jan 2005 09:10:42 -0600, "Lady Pilot" wrote: Nah, that's okay, I'll pass. Here's one for you... Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A. Because even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions. LP Women ask for directions and then can't follow them. Q. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A. Binary Bill's undivided attention. LP |
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