My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with
a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. I concede that I
overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people
disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for
him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in
the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school
bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber
spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff,
and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's
strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various
swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. It got people, a
certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who
showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people
changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important
issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the
election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him
for that. [Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of
you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in
a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich
old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch
the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You
voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck.
Seriously, y'do.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for
healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last
night, I watched the returns come in with family and friends. As the night
progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state
/ blue state split. The reasoning was this:

We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country
and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of
the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue
states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you
in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue
states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day,
while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue
state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror,
while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh,
yeah!? Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had
something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and
daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the
urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those
of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can.
As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury.
I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize
you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the
heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we
wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to
us, largely because of your high moral values.

You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the
burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its
future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed,
atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills
and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have.
Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your
values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years,
we've done just that. It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a
joke all the same.

And I make this pledge to you today: Next time, there will be no pandering.
We will run with all the open and joking contempt for our opponents that the
President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League
intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." We will not
pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who
devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They
don't.

So that's why we're asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to
you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones,
you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads.
We know better, and I truly believe that we can help your smug, sorry asses.
And may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

By comedian Mark Fedler